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Thursday, September 21, 2023

Kavanaugh Accuser Christine Blasey Ford Opens Separate Bank Account For All That Sweet Death Threat Cash

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Christine Blasey Ford, the woman who is accusing Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of an attempted sexual assault when the two were in high school together, has filed official paperwork with the Internal Revenue Service alerting them to a new account she opened with a bank in anticipation of a “windfall of cash.”

“Ms. Ford has officially alerted the IRS to the opening of a special account, designated for all the money she’s going to get from all the death threats she’s going to receive,” a spokesperson from the legal firm representing Ford told reporters today. “As every good, clean, red blooded, ammo hoarding patriot knows — the quickest way for a woman to get rich is to accuse a man of attempted rape. The only way to make more money is to accuse him of committing the full act of rape.” 

Conservative talk show host Dustin Pewpson told listeners of his syndicated radio show today that he is not surprised to find out Ford opened the account. Pewpson said he’s seen “thousands of women get super duper rich” accusing men of rape. 

“Who wouldn’t come forward with an allegation,” Pewpson asked rhetorically. “What with the caviar, champagne, and Rolls Royces that await them! There’s literally no risk to her at all, other than the insane number of death threats she’s going to get, which of course only drive up how much money she’s going to get.”

Radio host and social media pariah Alex Jones told his audience — the six people watching him self-checkout at WalMart yesterday — that he’s “impressed” with Ford’s “capitalistic urges” even if they are “aimed at taking down Dear President’s Supreme Court nominee.”

“If I were woman, I’d pretty much at least want someone to TRY to rape me,” Jones was heard bellowing as he bought a box of sandwich bags and crate of KY personal lubricant. “Just in case they one day end up in the national spotlight because they’re up for an un-elected, lifetime appointment that’s extremely difficult to kick them out of later.”

Conservative talk radio icon Rush Limbaugh, speaking from the dais of his desert palace, said that he thinks Ford will “reap way more than she was raped” and that is “the only true crime in this whole thing.”

“All she has to do for all that sweet, sweet death threat cash is endure a few thousand credible threats on her life,” Limbaugh said. “Talk about an entitled elitist liberal, am I right ladies and gentlemen? Now, where’s my Oxy? BO-SHOOOOODA! AH AH AH!”

Limbaugh then ate a frog from the nearby bowl of them, next to his dais.

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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