WASHINGTON, D.C. — Three spirits who had been planning on paying a visit to someone in The White House on Christmas Eve announced today that they are canceling those plans, citing the fact that the person they were planning on visiting is “hopeless” and a “complete and total lost cause.”
“If we showed him the links on his chain, he’d only care about if his chain is longer than the black man who came before him’s chain. He literally is too vain and stupid to understand the point of the chains. Which means he’d be too arrogant to learn about how a life of self-indulgent avarice is no way to be remembered fondly. And let’s face it — why should he care? The so-called Christians in this country elected the least Christian man in America. So to him, a life of self-indulgent avarice is, basically, a ticket to the White House.”
The Ghost of Christmas Past told reporters that he decision to scrap the visit had been bandied back and forth at the Headquarters for Supernatural Conscience Awakenings for several months. Ever since the election last year, the spirits were holding meetings on whether or not this subject would need a visit, and whether the spirits believed the visit was worth the time and resources necessary for the endeavor to work.
“We have turned some pretty hard-headed, cold-hearted, selfish sons of bitches in our time,” Ghost of Christmas Future said, “but this guy really was in a league of their own. One of those born on third, taking credit for a touchdown in the Stanley Cup finals types, if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, I was saying he’s a prideful idiot who doesn’t know shit about shit.”
In years past, the three spirits have been able to convince scores of people to stop caring only about themselves, but this year it’s feared that their message could be drowned by “62 million misled fools and a family of corrupt, self-serving sycophants and boobs.”
“It would not matter what we did,” Ghost of Christmas Present said. “He just wouldn’t listen, and he’d always have millions of people in his ears telling him to ignore us anyway!”
There’s another reason the spirits were doubtful their efforts would pay off with this individual.
“We like to show them scenes from their past where they were better humans and where people liked them, genuinely liked them,” Ghost of Christmas Past said. “But in this douchebag’s case, we didn’t have any of those scenes to show him.”
As of early November, the trio was still expecting to make their Christmas Eve visit. But when the Republican tax overhaul cleared the House, they knew the jig was up.
“Taking away healthcare from millions of people and handing billions of dollars to people who already have billions of dollars pretty much seals it,” the Ghost of Christmas Future told reporters. “You could be blind and read the writing on the wall there.”
The White House did not respond to requests for comments, though a loud, booming voice was heard in the crisp winter night.