HOBART, ARKANSAS — Back in high school, Clem O’Connell was not a top student, nor was he at the bottom of his class. Now the co-host and founder of one of the right’s more popular independent podcasts and blogs, O’Connell says twenty-five years ago he mostly got C’s and B’s in his classes. English class in particular was one of his more challenging classes, and he regularly struggled to keep his grades above passing, but mostly kept to his 2.0 GPA. It’s because, not in spite of, that fact that Clem gets particularly unnerved when he hears immigrants to the United States speaking the language of their native countries.
“Come on fam,” Clem barked into the microphone as he recorded his latest podcast episode, “It’s bad enough that our Dear President is going to sell us down the river and give amnesty to all of these miscreants who broke the law, but would it kill them to talk English gooder? Hell, would it kill them to talk English at all?”
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Mr. O’Connell says that it’s “rude and inappropriate” for families to come to America and not learn to speak English as well as those who were born here.
“Just who the hell do these people think they is,” Clem asked rhetorically, “and what do they think gives them the right to speak whatever language they want? I’m sorry, but I gotta know fam, where do they get this silly notion they have freedoms of speechifyin’ in this country?”
At one point, Clem found himself huffing and puffing so hard he had to take a break from the show and throw it to commercials. When he came back, he said he’d calmed down, but warned that his subject got him so “fired up” he might have to blow off some steam again.
“I’m sorry, fam,” Clem said, “I just git so rilly fired up, for all intensive purposes when illegals or Mexicans don’t learn themselves English proper! It’s so disrespectful to those of us who talk it good, out of patriotic duty!”
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Clem is also desperate, he says, to live in a country where he doesn’t “have to dial 1 for English.”
“Why come they git to have their own language option in MY country,” Clem asked, “how is that remotely right? I swear to God, I know that the Founders were perfect people who in their late twenties and early thirties had all the wisdom anyone would ever need to form a perfect country, but I have to scratch my head at the fact that they didn’t make talking good English a requirement of being citizenly and shit.”
The final equation, Clem says, is “so simple even a libtard could get it.”
“If they’re gonna come here,” Clem said, “and make my country’s economy stronger by working harder than I’m willing to at jobs way shittier than I’m willing to work, they need to speak American or git the fuck out!”
This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.