WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Doug Collins (R-Trump’s Rectal Cavity) told reporters on the Hill today that in his view House Democrats are impeaching President Donald J. Trump in the “most partisan crusade ever perpetrated on a president.”
“You know what really scares me, folks? It’s how gosh-darn-doohickey-hecking partisan it has been from day one,” Collins said with tears forming in his eyes. “They’ve wanted to impeach Trump from before he was sworn-in. Sure, Mitch McConnell said his number one goal was to hold Obama to just one term the night he was sworn-in, but that was different for two very big reasons. One, I said so, and two, I said so while speaking fast and in a Southern accent.”
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Wiping the tears from his eyes, an obviously emotional Collins pushed on.
“Let’s just put all the cards on the table. If you didn’t hate this man, you’d ignore his crimes and abuses of office like we do,” Collins insisted, “like the patriots we are. This has been the most partisan witch hunt in the history of our country.”
Rep. Collins did concede that when his party was in the majority in the House, they spent millions of dollars and months at a time on several investigations.
“If you don’t know the difference between what we did, and what the Democucks are doing, I can’t help you,” Collins said. “That’s because unlike Benghazi, Obama’s birth certificate, and the tan suit, this impeachment is purely partisan nonsense!”
Collins accused Democrats of “playing partisan football” with the government.
“Just who the heck are these people to be so brazenly political? They aren’t asking to see a president’s birth certificate, and they aren’t freaking out because he gave Iran their own money back pursuant to a policy enacted decades before he was president,” Collins said. “Rather, they’re trying in vain to convince us that a president shouldn’t need a foreign country to help him win an election, which to me is very un-American. We have a free choice in this country, and maybe a president wants to choose to subvert our democracy. WHO CARES?!”
Congressman Collins attacked the press for “being complicit” with what he called a “brazen assault of accountability and Constitutional responsibility.”
“All you jerk-ass media types, why come you’re not more like the bastion of journalistic integrity that is Breitbart, or at the very last OAN,” Collins asked. “If you’re not giving equal time to the fever dreams and delusions of our dear president and his rabid base of critical thinking-impaired rubes, you’re doing a great disservice to America and every American by not indulging our president’s love for right-wing conspiracy theories, and you know it!”
A truly apoplectic Collins wondered out loud if “our republic can survive a radical party” he called “hell bent on ensuring that no one is above the law.”
“Now, look, I’m running out of talking points to repeat, so I’ve got no choice buttospeaksoquicklythatitsoundslikeajackhammerwithasouthernaccentandhopethatnoonenoticesI’mabigdumbfuckingidiot,” Collins said, quickening the pace of his speech to the point of it becoming almost unintelligible.
Collins steadied himself and took a breath so deep it took him several seconds to get all the air into his lungs.
“IfImaybejustrunallmywordstogetherlikeonewordyouwon’tnoticethatIcannotandwillnotdefendTrump’sspecificactionsbecauseIknowdeepdownIwouldimpeachthelivingdickoutofaDemocraticpresidentwhodidthexactsamething,” Collins spluttered.
Before heading back onto the House floor, Collins said a prayer.
“Dear God, I pray that you guide my Democrat friends into making the right decision for America. I pray that you see fit to show them how important it is that we let President do whatever he wants,” Collins prayed, “so long as he is a member of the Republican Party. I pray that you show them the good that can from from surrendering their power to hold him in check in exchange for a couple of badly spelled tweets endorsing their re-election campaigns. I pray, oh Lord, that you work in your mysterious way, and blind their eyes, deafen their ears, and lobotomize their brains, as we good, clean, ammo hoarding, red meat eating patriot Republicans have done to ourselves lo these two, almost three years. In Trump’s name I pray, amen.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.