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Saturday, June 3, 2023

America Salutes Its Constitution With Back to Back Mass Second Amendment Celebrations in El Paso and Dayton

In two separate cities on back to back days, America honored its most sacred of Constitutional rights this weekend, and reports are that both celebrations were textbook demonstrations of the wisdom, security, and peace of mind that the Second Amendment affords all American citizens. These two separate Second Amendment celebrations took place just more than a week after a third Second Amendment celebration was held in Gilroy, California. Both celebrations resulted in multiple casualties, and the official cause of death for each is listed as, “freedom and liberty.”

All told, more than 30 Americans have died from celebrating the Second Amendment a little too enthusiastically in the last month. Some have expressed concerns that participation in the Second Amendment celebrations aren’t voluntary, and no notice is given prior to them taking place.

“While I enjoy liberty and freedom and therefore understand the literal only way to protect them is to let my paranoid neighbor stockpile semi-automatic weapons and ammunition,” one party goer in Dayton told us via Skype, “I do think they could maybe send out invites, or post something on the local city Facebook group, you know? Maybe we’ve got other plans and are too busy to get shot that night, but might enjoy getting shot at the next celebration, which will probably be in a couple days anyhow.”

Public, mass celebrations of the Second Amendment may not have been very frequent prior to 1999, but after a Second Amendment celebration was held at Columbine High School in Colorado that year, more and more Second Amendment celebrations have taken place. Sometimes the celebrations have been held in other schools, such as the Second Amendment celebration that took the lives of 20 first graders at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut in 2012. Other times, Second Amendment celebrations have taken place in crowded movie theaters, Planned Parenthood clinics, or nightclubs and bars.

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Reportedly, crews in both El Paso and Dayton have begun the process of cleaning up after the festivities, and it will likely take a little longer than cleaning up after a typical parade or festival.

“We don’t have to cordon off areas with crime scene tape after the Christmas parade,” El Paso Jr. Deputy Senior Media Contact Sue Crabnuts told us, “but this is America. Cleaning up after mass Second Amendment celebrations is one of the things we budget and plan for every year, just in case.”

It’s unclear at this point how many other cities plan to hold Second Amendment celebrations. Authorities in both El Paso and Dayton expressed their desire that they be given more time to plan for the next Second Amendment celebration in their town. However, the nature of celebrations of these sort mean that there is usually very little time to prep.

“You know what they say, about the only way to stop a Second Amendment Celebration is with another celebration of the Second Amendment,” Crabnuts said, “so the simple fact is that unless we get more warning, we’re at the mercy of the guy doing all the celebrating of his freedoms into the bodies of his fellow Americans, and of course our first responders, in terms of how long these celebrations will last. All we can do is try to help clean up as quickly as we can, so that the next person who wants to celebrate his God given right to kill en masse can do so with a clean slate.”

Another Story: Local Woman Anxious For Hatred Among Fellow Americans To Return To Pre-Trump Levels

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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