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Monday, June 5, 2023

Kellyanne Conway Confirms Her Ethnicity As Crypt Keeper

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A defiant Kellyanne Conway stridently and forcefully told reporters today as she was leaving the White House what her own ethnicity is.

“I’m 100% pure-bred crypt kreeper, thank you very much for asking,” Conway shouted as she headed for her car. “Someone must have learned how completely American it is to demand to know where people come from before you decide to give them the liberty and freedom our Constitution says everyone has inherently, huh?”

Conway also mentioned in passing that there was some “brief drama” within her family about her ethnic ancestry, a few years back.

“For a time, we all thought maybe we had some Death Eater in us, but my dad confirmed we are nothing but Crypt Keeper,” Conway yelled as she got in her car. “So why don’t you go hound the Democrats about why they’re not working to help us clean up the mess we intentionally made on the southern border? Why don’t you go ask them why they aren’t cheerfully demanding more money to make our concentration camps the best they can be?”

A farting Conway stopped for a moment before starting her car.

“You know, it’s just sad that you guys get all bent out of shape and worked up over whether the president’s clearly racist rhetoric is racist or not, completely ignoring the fact that we call them dog whistles for a reason specifically so that you WON’T call attention to them,” Conway said, farting loudly the whole time. “But you jerks won’t take thirty seconds to ask Nancy Pelosi why she hates freedom? You won’t take five minutes to ask Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez why she won’t stop literally crapping all over the American Constitution and way of life? You should be, frankly, ashamed of yourselves.”

Another, loud, long fart.

“I didn’t fart, by the way. And if you claim I did, you’re the real racists. Wait. What? That doesn’t make any sense,” Conway said in a confused tone, “Anyway, I have to go now. Don’t forget everyone, Crooked Hillary, Obamacare, like your plan keep your plan, Benghazi, Fast and Furious, Emancipation Proclamation, reversing Dred Scott, you get the picture.”

Another Story: Local Klansman Doesn’t See Anything Wrong With Trump Telling Four Brown Americans To Go Back Where They Came From

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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