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Thursday, June 1, 2023

‘Kellyanne, What Language Do They Speak in Argentina?’ asks Trump as Charges Announced in Mueller Probe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Marking a major day in the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s possible collusion with the Russian Government during the 2016 Presidential Election, the first charges were filed last week and revealed today as Trump’s one time campaign manager and his longtime aide were indicted on twelve charges, one of which being conspiracy against the U.S. Another revelation in the story came when news broke that earlier this month, George Papadopolous, a foreign policy and military adviser to the Trump campaign, plead guilty to lying to the FBI about contacts with the Russian government during the campaign.

On what is expected to be an already long day for staff in the White House, leaked photos obtained by our news team show various members of White House staff up early to shred documents and smash up phones. A further leak has also indicated that earlier today, special counselor to the President, Kellyanne Conway, was seen to be entering the Oval Office before sunrise carrying two suitcases, two pairs of Canadian flag shorts (one gazebo size), and a collection of dress up fake moustaches and glasses.

Although unsure who Kellyanne was meeting at this time, due to it being past the President’s bed time of 7pm (7:30pm on weekends), the leaked source did add that Trump was present at the time because as Kellyanne left half an hour later, he shouted out, “Kellyanne, what language do they speak in Argentina?” A second source later confirmed that Trump was indeed out of bed at this time as they had overheard one of the administration’s day care staff complaining about how looking after Trump had made them take up smoking again.

While the exact details of the night’s events are yet to become clear and whether they are related to the upcoming announcement of charges today, former White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, while taking a break from playing his favourite game “Spicer in the Bushes” (available now on iTunes), said that he has previously heard the President talking about how his good friend Adolf Eichmann had once recommended the Argentinian town of Bariloche as a good place to lie low if he ever found himself in trouble.

Asking for a comment on his expectations for the day, our political correspondent earlier caught the President’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, on his way into work this morning who said, “I’m not Jared Kushner. I don’t know a Jared Kushner. There’s no Jared Kushner here.”

More satire to enjoy:

? Kellyanne Conway: Manafort Not Arrested, He’s “Alternatively Free for Alternatively Not Colluding With Russia”

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