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Monday, June 5, 2023

Cop Stops Beating Black Man Long Enough to Agree With Trump That NFL Players Are Disrespectful Jerks

KING COUNTY, VIRGINIA — During a routine jaywalking incident, Lt. Kevin Ryan of the King County Police Department knew he needed to call in back up. While jaywalking is one of the lowest offenses one can commit, Lt. Ryan knew when he saw the suspect crossing the street outside a crosswalk that there was something to be feared about him.

“I couldn’t quite place it,” Ryan told us, “but I just knew that this man was extra dangerous, know what I mean? It was just…well, when you’re a trained cop like me, you can just look at people and tell if they’re more dangerous than others. You know there’s something about how they LOOK, that helps you tell RIGHT AWAY, they’re probably armed and just committed some crime or another.”

Ryan yelled at the man to stop when he’d reached the other side of the street. By the time Lt. Ryan was able to catch up to the jaywalker, his backup had arrived. Four squad cars each with two cops in them apiece roared onto the scene. Within moments, nine policemen were out of their cars, guns drawn. Lt. Ryan pointed his taser at the man.

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“I ordered him to stop, which the suspect did,” Ryan said, “and then I asked him where the hell he was going in such a hurry that he didn’t need to use crosswalks like law abiding citizens do. He gave me some bullshit excuse about how he just wasn’t thinking, and then I saw his arm twitch ever so slightly, like it could have just been a nerve ending misfiring, but to me it seemed pretty obvious he was going to reach into his pants, produce a massive firearm, and start shooting us all.”

So Lt. Ryan fired his taser at the man who dropped to the ground. Writhing in the agony, the African American suspect begged to know what he’d done wrong. Ryan told him he didn’t like that he moved his arm after he’d been told to stand completely still and not even have a synapse fire in his brain.

“But sir, I didn’t mean to be a threat,” the man began, however by then the other officers and encircled him, and the beating had begun.

The alleged jaywalker was being pummeled by nightsticks and was being assailed by pepper spray when he cried out that all he should have gotten was a ticket. The police only intensified their blows.

“Did we ask you for your opinion,” one of Lt. Ryan’s fellow officers demanded, “we’re here to serve you a beating that protects our fragile egos. Who the hell told you that you have a right to due process, perp?!”

Just then, Lt. Ryan got an alert on his smartphone. He paused his beating just long enough to check it. Lt. Ryan showed the phone to his fellow officers. It was a tweet from the RPesident of the United States.

“Oh God, you mean those spoiled, uppity nig…I mean entitled rich black athletes are still taking a knee,” another officer asked Ryan.

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Officer Ryan simply nodded his head solemnly. The police all stopped what they were doing to discuss the issue, while the suspect still rolled around on the ground in agony.

“You know, I gotta agree with the president on this,” Ryan said, “because it just makes no sense why they’d disrespect a piece of cloth and a song that’s like 150 years old or more. Doesn’t the flag have feelings? Doesn’t the song have feelings too?”

Another cop agreed and he turned to kick the suspect in the ribs.

“What are they even protesting, anyway,” Ryan asked, but no one responded because the beating had resumed and his question couldn’t be heard over the din of the beating.

Reached for comment, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he’d have to get back to us because the story of an unarmed black man getting beat by cops made him “too turgid in the trousers” to “speak in dog whistle terms” and he might “accidentally let [his] hood slip.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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