WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Press Lush Stephanie Grisham is, allegedly, also President Donald Trump’s press secretary. One might understand not knowing this fact, given that Ms. Grisham has almost never given a single press briefing since taking over for Sarah Quasimodo Huckabee Sanders months ago. However, since the novel coronavirus started its pandemic spread across the country, her boss has held quite a lot of press briefings without her.
Ostensibly, Trump has been holding briefings to update the press, and the American people, on the work done by his special COVID-19 response task force, led by Vice President High Priest Mike Pence. Even those Americans who, for some odd reason can’t quite bring themselves to trust a man who calls everything — including coronavirus at first — a hoax, the briefings provide at least some sober medical advice and opinions from the likes of Dr. Anthony Fauci. Outside of Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx’ input however, much of the briefings are, effectively, opportunities for various people to praise President Trump, who has not been shy about praising himself.
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Reportedly, sources close to the president say that he’s strongly considering changing up the briefings to build on that feeling that the they’re mostly just held to inflate his ego. Between being just the third man ever impeached as president, and the withering criticism he has taken for his handling of the coronavirus outbreak, sources say Trump finds himself wanting and needing as much ego stroking as he can get these days. To that end, media outlets are being asked to prepare their White House correspondents for some “bigly changes” beginning some time next week.
“The president has decided that beginning sometime in the near future, he will start packing his coronavirus briefings with his supporters,” White House senior propagandist Kellyanne Conway told reporters on the White House lawn this morning. “He thinks it’s entirely appropriate to do so, because they’re pretty much rallies anyway, right?”
Conway said that Trump plans to lead the supporters in a rousing chant of “Lock Her Up!” when the briefings start, and to hold a book burning afterward.
“It will be a really fun experience for anyone who’s been to one of the president’s rallies,” Conway said, “or one of the klan rallies that the president models his campaign rallies from. Everyone’s going to enjoy themselves. Or else.”
Ms. Conway’s announcement came shortly after she tried to downplay the fact that over 10 million Americans have filed unemployment claims since the start of the COVID-19 outbreak.
“The fact is that there’s nothing to worry about right now because, quite frankly, the Trump economy can easily handle 6.6 million Americans filing for alternative employment, bigly.” (AltFacts)
Conway urged Americans to consider going “back to work” as quickly as the possibly can.
“So, please, everyone, when you’re ready, go back and work. What’s a few million of you alternatively living in gravesites matter when the rest of us are back to getting our Big Macs and Starbucks?” (AltFacts)
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.