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Wednesday, January 26, 2022

Op-Ed: How Come I Drank Gallons of Trump’s Pee and Still Got COVID?

The following editorial was written and submitted by Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL). The views and opinions expressed below are solely his, and not those of this outlet, its staff, or ownership.

This is the day that the Lord (President Don Trump) has made! I will be glad and rejoice in it! Why, you ask me?

Because despite the best efforts of the FAKE NEWS press, Democrat communists, and all the anti-MAGA, anti-America First forces at play, we have a true, real way to fight COVID-19, thanks to brave patriot/anti-vaxxer Christopher Keys. It’s not vaccines. It’s not even hydroxychloroquine or ivermectin! It’s a new tool, completely new.

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That new tool? Piss. Straight-up piss.

Granted, I’m a fan of imbibing cocktails. And since this new treatment that Keys hipped us to can come out of a cock, well, it seems like that drinking piss to stave off COVID-19 is a solution tailor made for a moron in a tailored suit, such as myself.

However, hold your horses. Because, I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but it appears that a man who refuses to acknowledge the safety and efficacy of vaccines might be at least a little off in his theory. I’ll explain.

If drinking pee keeps you from getting COVID-19, that’s great! But it seems like maybe it’s not entirely universal. I can’t even tell you how much pee I’ve consumed in the last few years. It was a regular, routine part of meetings at the Trump White House.

I’ve lost count of how much of Don Trump’s piss has passed my lips. At first, it was like drinking a salty, liquid Big Mac and it made me want to vomit every time. Now, it tastes like a salty, liquid Big Mac and I can’t get enough of it!

One would think that if anyone had crossed the threshold over which urine becomes a therapeutic tool in the fight against COVID, that I would not have gotten it. Maybe there was some other factor involved, but when I got COVID-19, I was first and foremost devastated that it wasn’t two lower, because 17 is always better than 19 (GIGGITY!), but secondly, it was well after I had dumped gallons of Trump’s piss down my gullet. It doesn’t make sense to me.

So, how come I drank all that Trump piss and still got COVID-19? Hopefully someone in the medical community can answer my question. I’ll keep drinking it, anyway, but it sure would be cool if it kept me safe from COVID.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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