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Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Craven, Gold Digging, Racist Birther Vehemently Defends Meal Ticket Her Husband Barely Acknowledges

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A craven, cynical, gold digging, racist birther took to Twitter yesterday to forcefully defend her meal ticket from a harmless pun, and the country is still buzzing about it.

Yesterday, during the House Judiciary Committee’s impeachment hearing, one of its witnesses, Professor Pamela Karlan, made a joke about President Donald Trump and meal ticket’s name. Ms. Karlan had been testifying at the invitation of the Democrats controlling the hearing, and is a foremost constitutional scholar. Kaplan’s quip, which she later apologized for during the same hearing, was meant to illustrate that the Constitution does not permit a president to act like a king.

“While the president can name his son Barron, he can’t make him a baron.” (Washington Post)

When she said the line, Karlan received some laughs and even a smattering of applause in the hearing room. Though Congressman Matt Gaetz of Florida was able to excise the president’s genitals from his mouth long enough to chastise Karlan, it was on the Internet that reaction to her light pun was strongest. The most notable reaction, of course, was from the meal ticket’s craven, gold digging, racist birther mother.

Scholars and historians were quick to point out some striking things about the craven, gold digging, racist birther’s defense of her meal ticket. Firstly, many were baffled when they couldn’t find any such tweets from the gold digging racist birther’s speechwriter, Michelle Obama. Typically, it’s assumed that anything the racist, gold digging birther says that sounds remotely intelligent was first said by Ms. Obama. 

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Secondly, many noted the astounding irony of the woman who wore a jacket that broadcast her indifference and apathy on the same day she went to visit a detention center filled with children, who many also presume should have privacy and be kept out of politics, but are instead held hostage in concentration camps whining about the treatment of “minor children.” Still others simply pointed out that she is, indeed, a craven, gold digging, racist birther and her opinions on just about anything are worth less than the the paper the prenup she was surely forced to sign before marrying her meal ticket’s alleged billionaire father, who is also a craven, racist birther, was printed on.

Meanwhile, Amy Carter, Chelsea Clinton, Sasha Obama, and Malia Obama will all recover, however it was very touch and go for sometime, doctors say. All four women had their eyes completely roll out of the back of their heads upon reading the full-throated defense of the meal ticket, tweeted by the craven, gold digging, racist birther. Medical teams say this is quite a common occurrence when someone outside the conservative media feedback loop is exposed to someone within it martyring themselves.

“For years, Amy Carter was mocked for her looks. They did the same thing to Chelsea, and she was a little girl,” Dr. Henrietta Hornaydieux explained, “Remember, she was only 13 years old when Rush Limbaugh referred to her as the ‘White House dog.’ And the whole world saw how conservatives made fun of the Obama girls the entire time their father was in office and implied he wasn’t a real American because of their last name and skin color. This craven, gold digging, racist birther snunt PARTICIPATED in that bullshit, too. It’s no wonder that upon reading the tweet from the craven, gold digging, racist birther, that they all rolled their eyes so far into their skulls that they dropped out the other side. Luckily, it’s such a common situation that we’ve all but perfected the treatment, and all four will recover without any major issues.”

Eye witnesses have seen the craven, gold digging, racist birther floating down a river of crocodile tears. It’s unclear where she’s headed, though some have speculated.

“Maybe she’s heading down to the White House to remind her husband to be best or whatever,” one congressional staffer told us. “Or maybe she’s going somewhere to fuck herself. Most of us are pretty sure it’s not the former, and we’re really hoping it’s the latter. Then again, I don’t really care, do you?”

Still others on the Hill are saying the tweet indicates that, perhaps, officials need to dig further into just how the craven, gold digging, racist birther qualified for an “Einstein” visa. Her intelligence is being called into question, given that her own husband barely acknowledges that the meal ticket even exists. 

“Um, attacking someone for making a light pun with your meal ticket’s name to illustrate a point about his father in a world where everyone watched how the right treated children of Democrats for decades doesn’t show very much Einstein level genius,” another source told us. “Some us are hoping ICE uses this tweet as probable cause to look into just how she qualified for that visa.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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