WASHINGTON, D.C. — The head of the White House cleaning crew has announced that she intends to schedule crews to work “around the clock, 24/7 if they have to” in order completely clean the stench of lies and roast beef au jus from the press briefing room.
“Even though the outgoing press secretary was a huge coward and hardly held any briefings as it became more and more apparent how bad she was at her job” Glenda Figly told us via Skype. “There is an overwhelming odor of lies and frankly roast beef au jus that we have to deal with, and it’s powerful.”
Figly says she and her team are using some of the strongest chemicals known to human kind, and they so far have not made much progress.
“People lie in that room all the time. Presidencies from both parties,” Figly explained, “but absolutely no person has lied as much or as frequently, and no one’s lies have been to cover up the kinds of human rights atrocities being perpetrated on the southern border, for instance.”
It’s an extremely tall order to cleanse the press briefing room because of just how strong the lies are, and how often the outgoing press secretary used roast beef au jus for her perfume.
“The outgoing secretary was a weapons grade liar who used roast beef au jus for perfume almost every day, so I don’t even think the 9/11 cleanup was as big an effort,” Ms. FIgly posited.
Should efforts to purge the briefing room of all traces of the outgoing press secretary fail, Figly says there’s a “nuclear option” she can employ.
“I can literally ask permission from the Department of Defense to use a tactical nuclear warhead on the press room,” Figly said, “but for obvious reasons we really don’t want to use that option unless we absolutely have to. Besides, we’re required to give everyone warning before we blow up the building, so everyone would be out of it anyway, so what good is that, really?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.