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Saturday, September 30, 2023

Cruz: America Needs a President ‘Who Can Think Outside the Constitution Again’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, former President Trump held a rally in Ohio, which was the second such event he’s held since losing last year’s election, and the subsequent insurrection on January 6th. It’s unclear exactly how many people attended Trump’s rally, but this morning on Fox News one of his most vocal supporters said it was “just nice to see this country’s rightful dictator back among his people.”

“I’ve got to tell you, I think conservatively there were at least sixteen trillion people at God King Emperor Trump’s rally last night,” Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) told Maria Fartinromo. “It was a speech that is so needed after the disastrous last few months of non-stop competency and planning from the Biden regime. Dear Leader’s speech last night made me pine for the good ol’ days of politically charged DOJ investigations into reporters and Democratic congressmen.”


Cruz predicted that Trump will run again in 2024, and that he’ll give Biden a “run for his money.” Win or lose, though, Cruz says that one thing will be “absolutely certain” if Trump does run for the White House again.

“My wife Heidi will remain dutifully ugly as shit, until we get that great man back on his throne,” Cruz promised. “I will join his fight. I will do everything in my power, and will demand that everyone I know stand up and get in this fight!”

Sen. Cruz batted away reports that have surfaced in recent weeks, indicating Trump weaponized his Department of Justice even more than had been suspected while he was in office. Cruz told Fartinromo that “presidents are allowed with very few exceptions” to do whatever it is they want to. He warned Americans not to “fall in love with a guy who won’t use the office of the presidency to enrich himself and his family.”

“So he didn’t accept the rules. So he tried to subvert democracy and set aside the results of the election because his feelings got hurt,” Cruz admitted. “So what? What does it really hurt to just give the guy four more years, I want to know. If you ask me, it was bold, decisive leadership to realize that the Constitution and elections in general are for cucks, and that we needed to get beyond the antiquated thinking that self-governance is best.”

Sen. Cruz even praised Trump for his outlandish claims that he can be reinstated to power this year.

“Is it correct? Of course not. But what in the Iraqi WMD program, trickle down economics, virgin birth makes you think Republicans, REAL AMERICANS I MEAN, care about being right or correct,” Cruz asked rhetorically. “I won’t be dragged into playing their games, Maria.”

Cruz vowed to “fight with every booger in my mouth” to restore Trump to power.

“What has become rapidly and readily apparent to me over the course of the last few months is that this country is desperate for a return to the glory of the MAGA years,” Cruz insisted. “This country needs a president who can think outside the Constitution again. I won’t rest until that man is snorting Adderall and eating sixteen cheeseburgers in the Oval Office every day. I can only pray to the one, true, American, red-white-and-blue God that enough patriotic Americans join me in my crusade.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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