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Sunday, September 25, 2022

Dan Bongino: “Crosswalks Tyrannize Drivers Who Don’t Want to Slow Down for Pedestrians”

LAKE MORON, FLORIDA — An angry, teary-eyed Dan Bongino — thrice failed congressional candidate and washed-up Secret Service Agent — railed against what he called the “Woketopia agenda of communistic control” that he said has permeated all walks of American life during a segment on his podcast today.

“It’s not just masks and vaccines. It’s everything. Sneeze guards. Telling food handlers they have to wear rubber gloves as if I don’t have a right to e-coli poisoning if I WANT it,” Bongino howled. “It’s all part of their Woketopia agenda of communistic control. I am sick to death of it, and everywhere you look, you see evidence that we literally don’t have any freedoms left in America!”

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Bongino then recounted an event he said took place “not that long ago.” He was stopped by a police officer for blowing through a stop light and crosswalk at over 60 miles per hour, and the speed limit in that area was 35 miles per hour. Bongino was given a ticket for multiple moving violations, which he said is “proof of an anti-American, commie takeover” over of the justice system.

“That son of a bitch cop had the audacity to tell me that I broke the law when I didn’t stop and went through the crosswalk. But the worst part was he gave me a lecture about how I could have killed someone in that crosswalk,” Bongino screamed. “Well guess what, copper? Crosswalks tyrannize drivers who don’t want to slow down for pedestrians. And that, is a CHECKMATE, LIBTARDS!”

Bongino hit the “checkmate, libtards” button on his desk. A siren came down from the ceiling, and loud techno music started blaring in the studio. That’s when Matt Palumbo, Bongino’s antisemtic, white nationalist fact skewer, came into the room and began to fellate Bongino, as is customary on the podcast whenever Bongino feels he owned the libs.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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