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Monday, June 5, 2023

Dana Loesch Can’t Figure Out Why So Many People Hate Her Just Because She Takes Money From Massacre Mongering Monsters

WASHINGTON, D.C. — NRA Spokeswoman Dana Loesch appeared on the panel of CNN’s town hall discussion of gun violence last night, and the reaction outside the NRA has been widely condemning of it. Loesch was criticized for coming off as condescending by some, and aloof by others. Then, this morning Loesch appeared at the Conservative Political Action Committee’s annual conference as a keynote speaker and raised eyebrows all over the country when she said that “legacy media love mass shootings.”

“Many in legacy media love mass shootings,” Loesch said after walking on stage at the Conservative Political Action Conference to a standing ovation. “I’m not saying you love the tragedy, but you love the ratings. Crying white mothers are ratings gold.” (HuffPo)

Later this afternoon, she appeared on a right-wing talk radio show and lamented the fact that she has become quite unpopular outside of the pro-gun extreme fringe. She told John Jackson, the show’s host, that being the spokesperson for a gun manufacturer lobbying group is something she’s very proud of, and can’t quite understand “everyone’s sudden aversion to the paradigm of profits over people.”

“Why is everyone so hateful of me? What, a girl can’t be the pretty corporate face of an organization that gets richer as their kids corpses pile higher and higher,” Loesch asked Jackson. “I just can’t understand why being a shameless prostitute for the one group in America who is directly fighting against making our schools safer, the one group that is struggling to keep guns in the hands of literally every moron, became a bad thing instead of a patriotic thing.”

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Loesch says her pro-gun arguments are “airtight” and the “only reason liberal snowflakes hate on” her is that they can’t refute them.

“Who can really argue with the wisdom of arming teachers, a group of people already pushed to and past their emotional and financial limits? Who can really mount an effective counter-argument to our idea of making schools like prisons,” Loesch asked rhetorically. “Wouldn’t you rather your kid go to school in an environment that looks like a third world shithole country than have the country slide into shithole status because we decided to not sell weapons of war to our general populace?”

Toward the end of the interview, Loesch switched to the offensive, and said that she is insulted by people’s “gross and blind allegiance to their child’s lifespan” especially when it butts up against her financial well-being.

“You know what? I’m not gonna apologize for standing up for liberty; I’m not gonna say I’m sorry for pushing semi-automatic rifles into the hands of high schoolers in the name of freedom,” Loesch declared. “Geez, it’s like you cucks value your children’s vital organ function more you value my annual salary, and you call me the monster?”

You can find more satire on The Pastiche Post and The Political Garbage Chute.

More Satire:

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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