The COVID-19 delta variant is wreaking havoc all over the country, and in fact the world. Unvaccinated swaths of the populace are a breeding ground for the mutation of the virus that has thus far killed over 600,000 Americans. Health and medical professionals are warning that more and more variants could be spring up if large enough portions of the populace continue to resist the vaccines.
Owing to what it called a “chance to increase market share,” the COVID-19 delta variant announced over the weekend it that it had made a rather large purchase of air time on the three leading conservative cable news outlets in order to advertise.
“Seeing how popular I am in the Bible Belt, and in red states in general, got me to thinking. How could I use this lack of vaccination as a chance to increase market share,” the delta variant announced in a press release. “So I decided maybe I can strike while their neoconfederate temperatures are so hot, and convinced my board to do a big ad buy on NewsMaxTV, OAN, and Fox News.”
The delta variant is hoping the new ads it runs will “encourage MAGA-Americans to keep doing what they’re doing” and will simply replay clips of various conservative media figures casting doubt on the vaccines.
“I’m sure the executives at these networks won’t care that I’m just repeating the anti-vaxxer messages of their own stars,” the delta variant said. “In a way, an advertisement for me is really an advertisement for their own programming.”
The delta variant will also appear later this week on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News program to do some “self-promotion.”
“Although it might seem like Tucker does a great job promoting me already,” the virus explained, “it never hurts to put in a little more effort, to try to capture just a little bit more of the market. There are a lot of diseases that can infect a bunch of people who think science and medicine are liberal conspiracies, and I need to beat out syphilis before family reunion season in the Bible Belt.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.