Trump Checks Democratic Primary Polls to Figure Out Who Foreign Countries Should Investigate for Corruption Next

WASHINGTON, D.C. — His Royal Highness, the Grand Imperial President of America-Land, has not hidden his desire to have foreign help to win next year’s election.

Though it’s unclear why his Grand Excellency has not seen fit to simply use his “absolute right” to do whatever he wants, and cancel next year’s election for the good of the country, and to retain control, King Donald Trump has been laser focused on asking foreign leaders to dig up dirt on Joe Biden. Mr. Biden, a former Vice President from the Previous Black Administration, is presumed to be corrupt by Emperor Donald, and as such the Ukrainian president was asked by his Royal Perfectness to investigate Biden and his son Hunter.

The Lord Thy Trump’s efforts to get Ukraine and China to help him dig up dirt on Biden gave congressional Democrats — who control a branch of government that is allegedly co-equal to that of He Of The Massive Hands and Normally-Shaped Dong — their window to begin an impeachment inquiry. Buzz on the Hill is that His Majesty the President is strongly considering dissolving Congress permanently, and leaving it to the regional governors to have direct control of their territories.

“Fear will keep the local states in line,” one aide to King Trump told us. “Fear of this president nuking their capital, grabbing their women by their pussies, and putting up a Trump Tower in their backyard. He wields the power to destroy entire economies and industries, and he’s not afraid to use it.”

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Some have pondered how Emperor Trump knows who to target. Where do his finely tuned instincts for finding corruption come from? Certainly not from his own corruption, he has asserted on several occasions. This morning, His Royal Excellency was spotted circling the White House lawn, waiting for a helicopter ride to McDonald’s. He agreed to answer some questions from reporters, provided they were “nice” questions.

One reporter in particular asked King Trump where his information on who should be investigated comes from. His Royal Highness deigned that to be a good question. So, he answered it, but not before letting out some perfect rectal gas, though he couldn’t blame it on the White House dog anymore, since Sarah Huckabee Sanders was back home in Arkansas.

“You know what? I like that question. I like that question a lot. You must not be from one of the FAKE NEWS ANGRY BOB MUELLER CROOKED HILLARY OBAMA’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE outlets,” Trump began, “so I will answer it. I will indeed answer your question, my loyal subject. However, let me do some quick, extra thinking, to make sure I give you the best answer I can.”

Again, His Royal Kingness farted.

“Okay, that’s better,” King Trump said. “It’s actually not that hard, it turns out, to figure out who needs to be investigated for corruption. All you have to do is go to one of those worldwide website thingies that my son, the smart one, not the two older ones I should’ve aborted, you understand, showed me the other night. These websites put up the latest polls, to see who’s currently ahead to get the Democratic nomination. Can you believe they just put this information out there?”

Another royal fart exited Trump’s rectum. He continued to yell.

“So, what I do, is I go and look at this worldwide website every single day. It turns out, whoever is leading in the Democrat polls that day, they’re the most corrupt and need to be investigated,” His Excellency explained. “It’s so crazy how that all works out. I literally just have to look at who is most likely to be the Democratic nominee, and instantly I know that they simply must be investigated for corruption. Right on cue. I check the polls, and BAM! I know exactly who is getting away with being a crooked, dirty, lowlife loser Democrat!”

He must have had brussel sprouts for dinner the previous night, because once more the Duke of Dumb farted before continuing.

“This summer it was Sleepy Joe Biden. Now that he’s had a heart attack I no longer have to ask China to look into Bernie Sanders,” Emperor Trump droned on. “But now, it’s looking more and more like Liz Warren did something at some time with or without somebody knowing that was maybe, probably, definitely corrupt. So I hate to say it, but…CHINA, RUSSIA, UKRAINE, NORTH KOREA, SATAN, IF YOU ARE LISTENING HELP ME WIN — OOPS — I MEAN, HELP ME MAKE THIS WORLD FREE FROM CORRUPTION! PLEASE INVESTIGATE POKER-HAUNT-IS FOR ME OKAY THANKS BYE NOW!”

His Majesty the High King of America-Land saw that his royal helicopter was ready to receive him. He turned on his heel, ran toward the helicopter, and got on. As it flew away, Trump could be seen giving everyone the finger from the helicopter window. It got out of site before he had a chance to moon the reporters, however.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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