TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH — His state is the new epicenter of America’s fourth wave of the COVID-19 pandemic, and Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q) told reporters today that he’s “fairly sure some folks think [he’s] supposed to be doing something” about it. However, DeSantis also announced that he was having some “inner struggles” about whether he agrees with the notion that as the state’s chief executive he’s got any responsibility to keep Floridians safe from the novel coronavirus that has drastically altered the way humans live their lives for the past year and a half.
“I have it down to two options,” Gov. DeSantis announced. “Either I’m going to keep on doing nothing to help stop the spread, which includes penalizing schools and businesses that require masks, or I’ll change things up a bit and pretend to do something about COVID. It’s probably the hardest call I’ve had to make for my administration.”
Gov. DeSantis continued to blame the surge in COVID cases in his state on illegal migration, despite not having any studies or evidence to back that claim up.
“I am as confident that it’s illegal immigrants spiking the numbers as rat-faced scarecrow lawyer Sidney Powell was confident in her Kraken keeping Trump in office,” a smug, self-satisfied DeSantis explained. “Sure social media is filled with mouth-breathing morons proudly proclaiming they’ll never get the shot, but I know in my heart it’s illegal immigrants, and we all know facts don’t care about feelings unless it’s Republican feelings, and then those are the facts.”
Ultimately, DeSantis says he’s “torn between two rock-ribbed, conservative principles.”
“Apathy and denial. It’s so hard to choose when you’re supposed to pretend something isn’t happening — like climate change or COVID surges — and when you’re supposed to acknowledge that thing, but do nothing about it,” DeSantis explained, “like climate change, or COVID surges. American conservatives understand that bold leadership means knowing when to bury your head in the sand, when to call liberals crazy for pointing it out, and when to just argue that you should do absolutely nothing to solve the problem.”
DeSantis promised that he would “maybe, kinda” come to a decision soon.
“If I feel like it, I will,” DeSantis said before flipping the bird to the reporters, baring his buttocks to them, and running off with his penis and balls hanging out.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.