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Saturday, September 30, 2023

Devin Nunes Questions Founders’ Motives for Not Allowing Presidents to Delay Elections

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Can the President of the United States of America, with all the powers the office grants them, postpone or delay a presidential election? If one asks the Constitution and legal scholars, the answer is “no.” For President Donald Trump and his supporters, including Congressman Devin Nunes (R-CA), there is an entirely different answer.

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Speaking to reporters this morning, Rep. Nunes admitted that while “technically the president can’t delay an election,” he encourages Trump and Attorney General Bill Barr to “ignore the Constitution’s more never-Trumper parts” and “do whatever he wants to do.”

“Quite frankly, yes, it might be technically true, for now, that the president doesn’t have the power to change the election date,” Nunes admitted, “but let’s be honest here — it only says that because the Constitution was clearly written by Never Trumpers! It’s a testament to Dear President’s strength, character, resolve, and pussy grabbing that he still became president with the Constitution’s writers themselves even against him!”

Congressman Nunes admitted that “currently no evidence exists” that the framers were Never-Trumpers.

“But if my time working with Darrell Issa taught me anything,” Nunes explained, “it’s that sometimes you have to make up the evidence until you find some.”

To that end, Nunes is demanding that House Democrats launch immediate investigations into whether or not James Madison and others “had an unavoidable, nefarious anti-Trump bias.” If they did, Nunes says he’s prepared to ask the president to “strike the entire Constitution off the record.” It’s the only way, Nunes argues, to make sure that “real American patriots get what they’re entitled to.”

“Were they all Never-Trumpers? Only a congressional investigation can get to the bottom of it,” Nunes said, “but Nancy Pelosi doesn’t want to open that investigation. Gee, I wonder why, Chip!”

Chip Chatterly, himself a devout, pro-Trump Christian, said he was “having trouble following [Nunes’] logic.” He asked the congressman how someone could be anti-Trump when they died more than 100 years before he was born. Nunes sighed.

“Well, who else but Never-Trumpers would write something that doesn’t let Trump do whatever he wants,” Nunes asked incredulously. “See? It’s completely logical-ish!”

As the president has watched his poll numbers in several states, especially key swing states, plummet, his actions, tone, and demeanor about the election seem to have gotten more erratic and angry. Trump has called mail-in balloting into question, despite the fact that he and several high-ranking people in his administration routinely do so. Trump has told Fox News’ Chris Wallace he’ll adopt a “wait and see” attitude about accepting the election results if he loses, and this morning he implied in a tweet he has the power to delay the election.

However, even Trump’s supporters like Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell, Republican senators up for re-election in the fall themselves, have already said they don’t want to move the date of the election. The Constitution expressly gives the right to choose the date of the election to Congress. This week, we reported that after he testified before the House Judiciary Committee, Attorney General William Barr seemed to leave the door open for presidents being allowed to contest elections if they “hold their breath and stomp their feet.”

“Look, I said it in there, okay? But, sure, I’ll say it again,” Barr began, “there is no way for a president to contest the results of an election that he clearly loses…”

The reporters breathed an audible sigh of relief and began writing on their notepads, but stopped quickly when Attorney General Barr finished his sentence.

“…but I’m working on it,” Barr finished. “I’ve got a butt-load of these big books in my office, and I’m pretty sure that one of them has a paragraph or two in it that gives the president the right to stamp his feet and hold his breath long enough and he gets to set aside an election result that hurts his presidential feelings. Let me reiterate the operative word here, presidential feelings.” (AltFacts)

More than 150,000 Americans have succumb to the coronavirus thus far.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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