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Friday, February 3, 2023

Man Who Thinks He Just Took Excruciatingly Large Dump Surprised By Dinesh D’Souza In His Toilet Bowl

CASTLE GREENS, WISCONSIN — A local man was quite surprised this morning when, after finishing what he thought was his routine morning defecation, he discovered right-wing pundit, professional conspiracy theorist, and alleged intellectual Dinesh D’Souza smiling back at him from within his toilet bowl.

“Man, I was squeezing out something fierce this morning,” Jared Steenkawhiff told us.  “I was sure I was just pushing a massive, smelly, worthless turd out of my body. This was one of the most putrid, horrifying, and excruciating shits I’d ever thought I’d taken. I expected to see a dooktastic dookie that was out of this world. As it turns out, I was pretty close, but it wasn’t a turd that came from anywhere inside my body.”

D’Souza rose to prominence during the Barack Obama administration by buying into the “birther” movement and producing a movie that he claimed proved Obama was a foreign national, hell bent on destroying the country from within. It’s unclear at this time exactly what Mr. D’Souza was doing in Jared’s toilet, but he did tell Mr. Steenkawhiff he had gotten lost in the American sewer system he calls his home.

“He told me that he spends so much time with the bowels of humanity that he sometimes loses direction down in the sewer,” Jared says. “I was really still kind of in shock at seeing a human being in the toilet when I expected to see the biggest butt log of my life in there, that I went and googled Dinesh D’Souza.”

What Jared says he found when googling Mr. D’Souza made him even more confused and unsure about what was in his toilet.

“I mean, he looked like shit, for sure, and then I found these tweets he sent about the kids who just saw their classmates gunned down in Florida,” Jared said, “and I figured only a piece of shit would tweet so carelessly and disgustingly. Only a real utter piece of shit would troll gun violence victims literally days after they were victimized. So I went back into the bathroom to get some answers.”

D’Souza’s tweets that Jared was referencing, are below.

“I showed whatever was in my toilet the tweets, and he just laughed and smiled,” Jared said.

Jared says that D’Souza asked him if he thought the tweets were “savage AF” and “totally destroyed those libtarded victims of gun violence.” Jared says it was at that moment he realized that even if it were a human being staring back up at him from his own toilet, that he was still, ultimately, “face to face with a piece of shit.”

“And this is the first time in my entire life I’ve ever been tempted to punch a turd in the mouth,” Jared said. “I resisted that urge, because I wasn’t sure yet that he was actually a human and not a feces. So I did the only thing I knew would take care of both a literal and metaphorical piece of shit.”

Jared flushed.

Satire like this can also be found on The Pastiche Post and The Political Garbage Chute.

More Satire:

Trump Offers To Grab Mitt Romney’s Binders By The Pussy

NRA Exec Just Straight Up Doesn’t Give A Fuck About Your Dead Kids, America

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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