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Sunday, March 26, 2023

Disney Declined To Buy Fox News Because They Can’t Afford Upkeep On Six Fantasylands

ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA — In a deal worth more than $50 billion, Disney has acquired a substantial catalog of 20th Century Fox’s catalog. In the deal, Disney gets the distribution rights to the original Star Wars films, which they acquired from LucasFilm a few years back, the stable of Marvel characters under Fox’s umbrella, and much more. But one element of Fox’s empire remained under control of Rupert Murdoch — Fox News.

Some have wondered why Disney didn’t buy the whole hog, so to speak. Today, during a call with investors, Disney CEO Bob Iger explained why Fox News was not part of the Disney acquisition.

“Between our parks in Anaheim, Orlando, Tokyo, Paris, and Beijing, we already have five Fantasylands,” Iger told investors. “Upkeep on those five are already enough as it is. We just couldn’t find room in our budget to take care of yet another place on the map where there are no rules and nothing matters and anything goes. Besides, we already have flying elephants, we don’t need ones that spew bullshit.”

Iger said that he and his team ran the numbers for weeks, but just couldn’t find a way to get Fox News to fit into their budgetary constraints.

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“As much as Sean Hannity reminds us of a somehow dumber, far less charming Goofy,” Iger said, “it just didn’t make good fiscal sense. If Fox News viewers want to experience one of our existing Fantasylands, and they can bear to part with their firearm for a few hours, we’d love to host them at one of our brilliant parks.”

Another concern Disney execs had was that they already produce so much fact-free content, they weren’t sure if they’d reach the point of consumer overload.

“We have talking mice, ducks, and chipmunks, but I don’t think we have anything as completely separated from reality like Laura Ingraham or Tucker Carlson,” Iger said. “So it just felt like we’d be stretching ourselves very thin trying to keep our quality standards up.”

Fox News executives did not comment on this story.

You can read more satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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