WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic National Committee has decided that the next debate in the 2020 primary season will be a bare chested brawl between the two aging white men still in the contest.
“When former Vice President Joe Biden and Vermont Senator Bernard Sanders square off against each other next,” the DNC announced in a tweet this morning, “they’ll do so in a caged octagon. We’ll require each man to strip down to either boxer shorts or some kind of loose-fitting trousers, and they will also be required to take off their shirts and oil up. We know the American people, and specifically the Democratic electorate, want to see these two septuagenarian gladiators duke it out on the debate stage, literally.”
While Sanders won the popular vote in the first three primary states, Biden has come on very strong on both Super Tuesday and in the primaries held just this week. Biden’s lead in the delegate count is widening, while Sanders is losing opportunities to catch up. Even in California, continued vote counts have proven to shrink Sanders’ margin of victory there. If Sanders can’t manage to win a string of primaries in the next couple weeks, pressure will start to mount for him to drop out.
“Prior to the debate, there will be a weigh-in and press conference, where the sparks will likely fly,” the DNC’s tweets said. “While we will ask the combatants to refrain from physical violence until the debate starts, voters should still tune-in, just in case there are any surprises.”
The DNC’s chairman, Tom Perez, defended the decision to turn the debates into brawls on MSNBC later in the day.
“Did you watch the last debate? It wasn’t really a debate anyway because people just kept shouting over each other and acting all tough with one another,” Perez said. “At a couple points, it seemed like it might come to fisticuffs anyway. So, we figured, why not give the people what they want, and let the candidates do what they really seemed like they wanted to do anyway. Besides, this way, no one even has to pretend to be good at moderating them. All we need is a referee, and the UFC has already agreed to lend us the use of one of theirs, so we should be all set.”
The format for the brawl will be simple, Perez said. Twelve rounds, no holds barred. Whoever comes out on top will win the rest of the delegates available, and the loser will be named Secretary of Street Fights in the new presidential administration, should they defeat Donald Trump in the fall. Perez said he’s in talks with the RNC and the Federal Election Commission to see if they’d be willing to change the format of the general election debates to allow for the same such contest between the Democratic nominee and President Trump.
“Bernie will begin his training regimen immediately,” a spokesperson for the campaign told us on the condition of anonymity. “He’s already moved to Philadelphia, where eagle eyed voters might spot him running through the streets, or hammering away at a side of beef in a butcher’s freezer. Biden is going to be tough, but we think the fact that Bernie’s got a solid left-hook will bode well for him.”
Vice President Biden has also reportedly begun his training routine. There are still some details for the fight that are being worked out, Perez said, but mostly everything has been agreed upon. The fight will be bare chested, not bare knuckled. Both men will wear gloves, boxing belts to protect their aging genitals, and headgear and mouth guards.
“It’s gonna be one hell of a fight,” Perez insisted, “and I hope the American people pay attention and pick the candidate they think has the best uppercut. Or policy proposals, I guess, whatever.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.