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Thursday, June 1, 2023

DNC Encourages Trump Supporters to Boycott Elections With Mail-in Ballots

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic National Committee is urging Trump supporters who don’t feel mail-in ballots are a safe and secure way to hold elections to simply boycott them.

“If the president’s supporters do not feel comfortable casting ballots in any election, they shouldn’t be forced to do so,” the DNC wrote in a press release. “This is America. We don’t put a gun to peoples’ heads and order them to vote. So, our message to Trump supporters today is — boycott the 2020 election if your state is using mail-in ballots!”

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President Donald Trump has made no big secret of the fact that he does not want Americans using primarily mail-in ballots this fall. Despite the fact that he, his vice president, press secretary, and several high-ranking administration officials have used mail-in voting in the most recent election cycles, Trump has accused mail-in ballots of being rife for fraud and abuse, despite never providing any actual evidence of his claims, which he says it’s “illegal, rude, and bigly wrong” to ask him for.

Trump has used Twitter to rail against mail-in voting, which he claims Democrats want to use to “steal” the election. It’s unclear if in Trump’s dictionaries the word “steal” has a common definition with “win by getting more votes than an opponent.” At any rate, Trump has made it abundantly clear he doesn’t trust mail-in voting unless he’s doing it.

“Americans, no matter which political party they belong to, shouldn’t have to vote in an election they don’t trust,” the DNC wrote. “While it’s true that many states have been using mail-in voting for decades, and it’s also true that both parties have embraced mail-in balloting in those states, it’s also true that Trump has a right to throw his tantrum about it, and his supporters have a right to join his tantrum and throw their own toys out of their cribs.”

The DNC reminded Trump supporters they “might need as many votes” for Trump as the Democrats will need for Biden.

“One reason you might feel comfortably boycotting your mail-in election? The Electoral College, of course,” the DNC explained. “You’ve already won two elections in the last twenty years that you would have lost if we used traditional math to determine the winner. This means you can win without getting the most votes, and that would mean that many of you can simply take this election off, and you’ll still have a good shot at winning, because why should we have logic in our election process?”

Perhaps understandably, the election has been a big part of Trump’s public commentary recently. As we reported this week, the president publicized a new pet theory of his — that his enemies will attempt an “electoral coup” on him this fall. He explained that theory to OANN anchor and chief propaganda officer, Jack Posobiec.

“An electoral coup is when they brazenly — and quite nastily and RUDELY if you ask me — vote for someone else other than me,” Trump explained. “The worst part is that SLEEPY PEEPY WEEPY TOE-TEEPY Joe Biden will get more votes than me! That will take me out of power, they say! I mean, Billy Barr is looking into whether I have the power, as president, to ignore election results if I don’t like them, but this is another attempted coup on me, Jack!” (AltFacts)

“To our Republican friends — please understand, we want you to participate in your democracy, but only if you think you can trust a method of voting that we’ve been trusting for many years,” the DNC encouraged Trump supporters. “So, by all means, sit this one out. We know you’ll sleep better knowing you chose to not vote in an election that you just couldn’t quite trust.”

Alternatively, if they don’t want to boycott the election, the DNC has suggested Trump supporter could “hold massive vote practicing parties” instead.

“Toss off your stupid government tyranny face masks, round up a couple hundred of your closest friends,” the DNC’s statement encourages, “and get them all together in a small, confined space! Set up practice voting booths, and go through the paces with everyone. Maybe consider sealing each practice vote with a nice, big, wet, kiss. What’s the worst that could happen?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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