WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic Party is holding its first two primary debates of the 2020 presidential election season. In previous years, there wouldn’t have been likely been a need to split the debates up over more than one night, but with over 456 declared candidates, sources say the DNC was given very little choice but to do just that. Last night, several candidates, including emerging favorite Sen. Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts squared off on MSNBC, and tonight another round of candidates including former Vice President Joe Biden will take the stage.
Though the second debate has yet to take place, the Democrats reportedly wanted to “get out in front” of any speculation and declare a winner. Normally, it might not be common practice for a political party to dictate to its voters who they should think won a debate, but one very highly placed source told us on the condition of anonymity that Democratic leadership doesn’t “want a repeat of 2016.”
“We were way too subtle. Too many superdelegates. We don’t think it was quite obvious enough who we were telling everyone to vote for,” our source said, “because, you know, it was her turn. We will never understand for the life of us why, ‘Just because it’s her turn now’ wasn’t a more compelling campaign slogan, but here we are anyway.”
In order to completely eliminate any doubt as to who the DNC wants its voters to support as early as possible, an email and text alert was sent to every registered Democrat. The messages thanked everyone for their continued “continued loyalty to the party” and then stated in bold, all-caps letters, who the debate winner was, even though voters are still waiting to see the second round of debates.
“They don’t need to see another debate to know who won them both,” our source said. “Let’s not go having a real primary season where we really and truly vet candidates to figure out if they’re the right one to lead the country. That seems, frankly, like a lot of work that none of us have time for anymore. It’s just really a great time saving thing to have all your opinions dictated to you, isn’t it?”
Our source said that rank and file voters should not be “alarmed or offended” by the party trying to force another candidate on them.
“Thinking is hard, and deciding is even harder, and we think our voters appreciate not having to do either,” our source proclaimed. “And if anyone thinks they know what their voters want more than the voters themselves, it’s we Democrats.”
Apparently, the DNC considered doing the same thing in 2016, but reconsidered.
“Frankly we were still trying to figure out just how far we could cram her down everyone’s throats, which was odd considering she was on track to do just fine in the popular vote, and she did,” our source said. “Someone the other day asked us what would have happened if she had campaigned a little harder in the Rust Belt instead of us smugly assuming she’d win those states easily, and of course I did what any sensible person would do — I jumped out of the window so I didn’t have to ponder that hypothetical since it hurts my brain to do so.”
Registered Democrats should receive the email and text messages by the middle of the day.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.