WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, multiple outlets reported that President Donald Trump’s personal Attorney General, William Barr, has authorized prosecutor John Durham of the Justice Department to begin treating his investigation of the Justice Department’s investigation that led to the appointment of special counsel Robert Mueller as a criminal investigation.
It’s a new paradigm being established, wherein the DOJ is investigating itself.
Some, like Democratic congressman Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler — two men who chair House committees that are currently undertaking impeachment proceedings against Trump — have called this move political retribution. The president’s supporters say the investigation is necessary because they feel Trump has always been unfairly treated, and the target of a witch hunt. History experts have noted that in traditional witch hunts, there aren’t usually a lot of associates and co-witches who are caught, tried, convicted, and sent to federal prisons.
Attorney General Barr was spotted this morning going into a donut shop, where he told reporters he liked to buy several dozen at a time. Not to eat, Barr, said, but for another purpose.
“I like to fuck donuts. I know, I know. It’s weird, but hey, what can I say? Bill Barr likes to mash his penis into the little hole in a donut,” Barr admitted, “because it’s finally a hole tight enough to make my shpep feel normal sized. It’s one of the things Don Trump and I have in common.”
Once the press pool’s gag reflexes had been suitably repressed, a reporter got up the nerve to ask Barr about his Justice Department’s criminal investigation into the Justice Department.
“Look, it’s very simple. We believe that they broke laws in order to start their investigation. Why? Because it’s always suspicious when you try to investigate a Republican president,” Barr said. “Also because it was an administration run by a Democrat, and I might add, a black Democrat to boot. It all falls under my unitary theory of power for presidents, or more accurately, for white Republican presidents. You see, I’m a partisan ideologue masquerading as an unbiased public servant.”
The press pool was stunned into silence by Barr’s outright candor.
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“My whole career I’ve been a toady for Republican presidents. I’ve helped cover-up, excuse, and equivocate for the abuses of power perpetrated by Republican presidents since before most of you started journalism school,” Barr said. “This is all very simple, really, if you break it down to basics. The Department of Justice is now criminally investigating the Department of Justice for investigating crimes. Why is that so hard for you guys to get through your heads?”
Barr continued to explain himself.
“You see, I consider it a crime to investigate crimes if they’re being investigated as crimes being committed by people I don’t want to be investigated,” Mr. Barr said. “Easy peasy, slap-a-knee-zee, don’t you think? I’m pretty sure it’s a law that the Attorney General gets to decide what’s a crime and what’s not a crime, and he gets to choose what to investigate or not investigate. Ergo, it’s not that we all think we’re above the law…it just doesn’t apply to us in any way, shape or form. And again, it comes down to a very simple equation — Trump is a Republican. I’m a Republican. Therefore my tastebuds are just tuned into the subtle flavors and rich seasoning of Dear President’s rectum.”
The reporters couldn’t believe their ears. Was Barr really admitting that he was using the powers of his position to punish political rivals? Barr smiled smugly.
“It’s good to be the king’s little bitch,” Barr said, looking right into a camera lens. “I’m thinking you guys are just now catching on. Why do you think I wrote that sloppy wet kiss of a memo, practically begging him to make me his enabling stooge? I’m thinking you guys are just not hip to how Republicans wield power, or are so enamored with the false equivalency both sides shit that you’re just now awakening to the idea of how it’s all gonna shake out. And, most importantly, I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t have had that sodium pentathol cocktail this morning.”
Attorney General Barr went into the donut shop. Twenty minutes later, he came out carrying four boxes of doughnuts, and with a very distinctive bulge in his trousers. Smiling, he said one more thing before getting in his car and driving off.
“It’s gonna be a fun weekend! Orgy time, y’all,” Barr said, and then after waiting a couple beats. “Because I’m going to fuck each and every one of these donuts, is what I’m saying.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.