LAKE STUPID, FLORIDA — Claiming it would be “like Samson getting his hair cut,” Donald Trump Jr. told OAN viewers this morning that he “supports but will not join” any boycotts of coke.
“I love coke. Like, a lot. It fuels me. It excites me. It energizes and influences everything I say,” Don Jr. told Jack Posobiec this morning. “So as much as I support literally everything my dad’s beautiful dead end death cult of personality does, I gotta sit this one out. But if you wanna boycott the MLB for siding with the uppity urbans crying about not being able to vote as easily as we good, clean, PROPER, melanin-free American patriots do, I’ll be right by your side.”
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The second-most intelligent man named Donald Trump said that he will “keep fighting back against the woke mob and cancel culture” every chance he gets to. He will also, Don Jr insisted, “help conservatives fight back against the things in our culture they don’t like and put a stop to them.”
“Why come they can cancel our confederate money-mints, Jack,” Don Jr asked, “but we can’t cancel the 13th, 14th, or 19th amendments? Cancel culture is the real threat to American freedom, Jack. That’s why we have to boycott the MLB, the NFL, French fries — again! — and keep boycotting the Dixie Chicks. We have to push back on cancel culture by canceling their cultural contributions!”
While he was on the air, Junior gave the world an update on the progress his doctors have made treating his rare, genetic condition.
“Well, Jack, I just had a consultation with a DNA specialist and he said there’s really nothing they can do about my chronic jizz face right now,” Don Jr admitted. “So for the time being, I’m stuck looking like I took a load to the face I wasn’t expecting. Hopefully some new treatments will be developed soon, but until then, I have to keep self-medicating with coke and banging gargoyles. You understand.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.