WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning rebuke of both the Republican Party and its figurehead, President Donald Trump, it would appear that almost 2% of Alabama voters wrote-in another candidate instead of voting for Roy Moore, and Democrat Doug Jones will take Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ seat in the Senate next year. As off the time of publication, however, President Trump is on the phone with the President of Alabama, asking if Judge Moore can still win the state’s Electoral College.
“Mr. President! This is the president, the bigly one,” Trump bellowed into his desk phone. “I can see that Roy Moore, who I never heard of, let alone endorsed, let alone tried to get a nation to overlook his sexual misconduct with teenage girls, has lost the popular vote in your state, but can he still win the Electoral College?”
There was a brief moment of confusion in the Oval Office. Then, Kellyanne Conway put her smart phone in the president’s other hand and told him she had the President of Alabama on the line for him there. Trump nodded and mouthed “Thank you, I’ll give you a p-grab of g-tude later, toots.”
“Mr. President, sir,” the President of Alabama told Trump in a voice that sounded vaguely familiar to him, “He can in fact not only win the Electoral College and replace Jeff Sessions. He can also kick out any member of the Senate he wants for a period of two fortnights and a winter’s morn, according to this Constitution I am holding in my hand here.”
Trump was seen by White House staff shaking a bag of Ruffles. Those are the chips with ridges, the President of Alabama told Trump, and those ridges contained text the founders only intended the truly brilliant and magnificent of leaders to find it, and unlock its potential. Trump whistled to himself.
“That’s very nice, Mr. President,” Trump told the Alabama President, “That could really save my neck. I was afraid this Moore guy was going to lose and make me look like a damn fool! Everyone who knows me knows I never look like a fool!”
For the next ten minutes the two men hatched a scheme by which Moore would enter the U.S. Senate, expel every Democrat and Republicans like Bob Corker and John McCain, and install “real, true, honest, loyal, boot licking, sniveling toady” Republicans in their place. Everything would go perfectly to plan and the two would share a celebratory crate of Diet Coke.
“Okay, that’s fine, Mr. President,” Trump said. “This is going to be a really great plan. Better than the one Vlad had last year. I’m still outta the woods on that. Okay, we’ll rendezvous tomorrow at the right coordinates. Trump, out.”
Trump handed Conway back her phone. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders game in and handed the president a Twinkie laced with a powerful horse tranquilizer. Trump crushed the Twinkie up and butt chugged it, passing out several minutes later.
This story is developing.
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