Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Petition to Draft Tucker Carlson and Send Him to Afghanistan Reaches 200 Million Signatures

More than 200 million Americans have signed a new petition, asking the Pentagon to reinstate the draft for the sole purpose of enlisting Fox News white supremacist Tucker Carlson and sending him to fight in Afghanistan. Alone.

For much of the past week, Carlson has been publicly feuding with much of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and insulting military leadership. Carlson is outraged that the Pentagon has begun to include discussions of racism in its training and education of soldiers. Carlson has argued that there isn’t anything more racist than discussing past racism because it makes people who are related to racists feel sad.

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“It’s reverse racism in the extreme to even talk about racist things in the past. Racism is over. It’s done. Thanks to woke cancel culture social justice warriors,” Tucker whined this week, “I can’t even say the N-word anymore unless I keep it in my head! Outrageous! A rich, white man without the right to be racist with impunity? In America?”

The new petition, which was started just two days ago, has already picked up the support of nearly two-thirds of the country — adults and children. The petition acknowledges that the U.S. troop presence in Afghanistan is winding down, but asks that a special exemption be made to send Tucker there all by himself, where he can engage with the enemy and “show everyone what big, tough soldiers look like without all the woke ideology.”

“If Mr. Carlson is so afraid of what our brave soldiers will look like, and what learning about racism of the past will do to their preparedness,” the petition claims, “he can simply go over there and fight the enemy himself. Let him show us all how real, macho men who ignore and/or enable racism fight for this country’s freedom.”

The U.S. military hasn’t held a draft in decades, and it’s unclear if it can be reinstated for the purposes of conscripting a single person. A Pentagon official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the military would likely “politely decline” the petition’s request.

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“We get it. Tucker is a giant coward and we’d love to see him piss his pants in fear about something that one of our so-called ‘woke’ soldiers he insults would tackle with courage,” the official said. “But we also have this policy about not letting enemies of the United States fight in our armed forces, so if Tucker wants to serve, he needs to invent time travel so he can sign up to fight for General Lee and Stonewall Jackson.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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