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Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Man Regrets His Early Vote for Hunter Biden’s Laptop

KOCKWAHRT, RHODE ISLAND — There is an old phrase you probably have never heard of, rooted in what we believe is an ancient language so old the president wouldn’t even dream of trying to diddle it, that is strangely enough quite apropos  to 54 year old Seb Jorgensen.

“Hindsight is 2020,” he tells our reporter via a Skype conversation that lasted just over 25 minutes this afternoon. “I don’t know if you’ve ever heard that old chestnut, but my grandfather said it once to my grandmother, and my family legend has it that’s why we Jorgensens still say it to this very day. I know, it’s kind of esoteric. But anyway…”

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Seb then explained to our interviewer what the ancient colloquialism means, as if just for the sake of filling out print space, she needed one of the most commonly known axioms defined. It’s unclear at this time if this entire segment of the conversation was initiated simply to cover for the fact that the premise of this article is really just one joke, and the reality is that 95% of the people who see it will treat it like the point is the “meme,” which used to be known as the “headline,” and never read any of this anyway. This story will never be updated, even though it’s quite tempting to imply it will be, as if this is, in fact, a real news story.

“…it just means that we sometimes, as humans, have the ability to debrief ourselves on past decisions,” Mr. Jorgensen was still explaining, “and we can sometimes realize that we made mistakes, whatever those decisions were.”

Why is it, exactly, that so many people just consume the headline, react, comment, even share, but never click to the see the article? Is it because they hate comedy? Is it because they just don’t have the time in their busy scrolling to stop, and ingest some hopefully-comical take on the news of the day? That would be a very valid reason, and really this entire aside is not to question the consumer of the art’s motivations or intentions, but rather to wonder why the artform has mostly turned into headline reaction, and that’s it?

“And that’s why, when I say ‘hindsight is 2020,’ what I mean to say is that I am feeling some regret, particularly about who I voted for this year,” Jorgensen continued. “I knew I wanted to vote early, and I knew that I really didn’t want to give Trump another four years. So I went with my gut instinct, and I voted for Biden. That’s to say Hunter Biden’s laptop. Now, I’m really regretting that decision.”

Upon further examination, it would be indeed folly to merely note the “headline reaction phenomenon” in online satirical comedy. A quick but still ill-advised journey into any Internet comment section on any news article shared on social media will confirm that this happens on real, serious news items all the time. In a quite even, funnily enough, frightening but real development, this can be confirmed to exist on the actual articles themselves, indicating that people will even sometimes take the time to click-through, just to scroll down, skipping the actual informative point of the story, only to dive right into fart-vomit-cumming their opinions on something they are quite literally not well-informed enough to have that strong an opinion on in the comments section. Of. The. Actual. Article.

“I just think all this stuff the Republicans dragged from Ukraine into the spotlight over here is probably something I would have liked to know before I voted for Hunter’s laptop,” Jorgensen explained. “I’m sure the laptop is a good guy, I’m sure he’d do a good job as president, but there are a lot of questions about it, now, that I just didn’t have back when I cast my vote for it, is all. Oh well, you know what they say…hindsight is 2020.”

Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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