I love Food Documentaries. Flicks like Food Inc. or Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead or Super Size Me. I love those movies, especially Super Size Me. You seen it? Some dude decides to eat McDonald’s every meal for a month? It’s awesome. Lots of French fries in that one.
Well, as a lover of food and a liker of movies, I decided to make my own documentary; Foodie Francis style. Coming up with a killer idea was the hardest part. Do I make it about sugar or tacos? Bacon or bacon tacos? Then I remembered what Hollywood Executives always say:
“Stealing Ideas is the Sincerest Form of Flattery.”
So I decided to make my own version of Super Size Me but, instead of McDonald’s 24/7, I tried to eat like Donald Trump for 30 days straight.
I call it Bigly Size Me. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner and two scoops of ice cream everyday just like the Donald. Here’s how it went down-
Breakfast– I started each day with a proper Trumpian breakfast: Steak and Legs. As in an overcooked steak- grilled until grey – and three fried chicken legs. Getting that dried-out steak down each morning was difficult but Trump is right, it goes down easier slathered in ketchup. Think of the tomato condiment more as lube than food. Before the first day, I double checked that it was supposed to be “legs” and not “eggs.” No, it’s legs. Deep fried and golden. On the positive, the double meat meal did get me going with a nice dose of protein.
Lunch- Lunch was a rotation of McDonald’s, KFC and Taco Salad bowls at Taco Bell. McDonald’s was my favorite because I got to say “Bigly Size Me” every time I ordered. But they did not know what I was talking about. So I tried doing my bad impersonation of Trump to see if that helped.
“Give me the biggest size, all the size. Tremendous size the food. The best food. I’ll take a vat of soda and all the fries. Give me the Biggest Mac.”
These attempts were always met with blank stares. So I’ll leave the mimicry to Baldwin. But I did get the large size though. Every time. Making America Fat Again. Not that there was a lull or anything…
Spray Tan- Although not technically food, the Prez does get a steady dose of fake skin coloring and I needed to follow suit. Go Bigly, and go Orange. So I absorbed plenty of DHA (the active ingredient in spray tan) to maintain my Trumpish figure. I applied Instant Sunless Spray Bronzer by Raydiant 5 times a day. The DHA started to affect my mood about 14 days in. I started yelling at complete strangers, calling them names. Acting like a bully. Then I got into a shouting match with my Puerto Rican neighbor because he wanted my help cleaning up his backyard. Seriously, screw that guy though.
Dinner – Truth is I skipped dinner most days. I was usually sickened by the end of the day. Drenched in bronzer. Covered in chicken grease. Ketchup steak never sat well with me and I had it every morning.
On day 22, I cheated and had sushi for dinner. Just couldn’t do it anymore. It was too horrifying. I gained 42 pounds over the 3 weeks. Also, I didn’t crap the entire time. Then I broke up with my girlfriend and I got a little more racist. I took on a rancid smell. It oozed from my pores. My hair greyed then began to yellow. I didn’t want to go Bigly. I wanted to go home.
Funny thing is I did enjoy that sushi. I was thinking maybe I can eat that for 30 days straight. Call it Sushi Size Me. Maybe. Right now I need a break.
“Foodie” Francis Morgan is a stay-at-home food blogger and Fast Food enthusiast. He is an “Everyman” who eats food “Everyday.”
Follow him on Instagram @foodiefrancis