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Monday, June 5, 2023

El Paso Shooting Victim Asked If She Could Be Shot Instead of Getting a Presidential Visit

EL PASO, TX — An victim of the deadly mass shooting in El Paso, Texas last week was being visited by the president when she asked if she could just be shot again, instead.

“I mean, thanks, I guess? It’s like, you coming here to visit us is like the match coming to visit the forest after it burns down,” Cecilia Gomez told the president as he walked into the room, “so, instead of you standing there with your plastic wife posing for a photo like you’re at Disneyland or something…can you just shoot me again, instead?”

Gomez was one of several victims of the El Paso shooting that had declined a visit from the president, but apparently he didn’t get that message. He came bounding into the room, high fiving everyone and chanting, “U-S-A! AL-SO ME! U-S-A! BUT MOST-LY ME!”

“Hello miss, how are you? I understand you participated in the Second Amendment demonstration did you? Thank you for showing the whole world your dedication to liberty and freedom,” the president said, pressing his small, clammy hand against her left shoulder. 

The president tried to move Gomez’ hospital gown slightly to see down it, she would later tell everyone.

“Hmm, whatchu got down there,” Trump asked with a leading tone in his voice. “Don’t be afraid! I’m the president. This is very legal, and very cool for me to do. I want to make sure you don’t have lumps. Can’t have any lumps, you see. I always check my First Lady for lumps, and Ivanka says I’m really the best at it.”

The First Lady in the room’s face dropped just slightly. When no one was paying attention, she pulled out her phone and brought up a picture of former President Barack Obama. The First Lady stared lovingly at the picture, muttering.

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“I wish,” the First Lady repeated a couple times, “Lucky Michelle.”

The president grabbed the woman who pretends to be his loving wife and shoved her toward Gomez as he also leaned down. He shouted toward the White House photographer. Motioning and snapping with his miniscule fingers, the president ordered the photographer to get into position and “snap the damn picture we came here to do.”

“Okay, everyone smile real big okay? Big smiles, everyone,” Trump told Cecilia. “Jeez, why the wincey face, dear? C’mon, buck up! You’re in the presence of a stable genius and your favorite president! Don’t be some Gloomy Gus or a Frowny Cuck!”

Within seconds of the picture being taken, and before the light from the flash bulb had completely scattered away, Trump had turned on his heel and was heading out, farting as he did, directly in Cecilia’s face.

“You’re welcome for thattttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt,” Trump shouted as he bounded down the hallway into the next room. “What’s up bitches?! President Kick-Ass is here to make all your bullet boo-boos feel better!”

Gomez rolled her eyes.

“So…you guys really couldn’t have just shot me instead,” Gomez asked. 

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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