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Monday, June 5, 2023

Election Day: Voters Head to Polls During Final 24-Hours of Coronavirus Pandemic

Today, millions of Americans will stand in lines, sometimes for hours, to cast their ballots for president. Of course, there are several other important elected positions up for grabs, but the one most Americans will be watching the closest is the presidential contest. However, no matter who wins today, one thing is for certain — Americans can rest easy knowing that whether Donald Trump or Joe Biden comes out on top, this is the final day of the covid-19 pandemic outbreak.

ALSO: Cruz Awaits Poll Closings and News About Whether His Wife Will Be Ugly Another Four Years

Some readers might be confused by that notion, but as the leading medical non-experts in Trump’s campaign and administration told America, the coronavirus will “just disappear” after Election Day.

The coronavirus will “magically, all of a sudden go away and disappear and everyone will be able to reopen” after election day, according to Eric Trump. (Business Insider)

Because Americans know President Donald Trump and his surrogates would never, ever lie to the American people, and because they know there’s just absolutely no way the Trump administration would tell those lies just so they remain in power, that means regardless of the outcome of today’s election, the coronavirus should just magically disappear tomorrow, at some point.

“Oh of course! I totally forgot about that,” Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters outside his home today. “Today’s Election Day, which means the global hoax of the coronavirus outbreak will end, roughly around midnight. I can’t believe I forgot my med school training where they taught us about Democrat hoaxes, and how they just stop once elections happen!”

We conducted several interviews with voters standing in line, waiting to cast their ballots, in several key, swing states. Many of them told us they’d completely forgotten about what President Trump and his aides and campaign staff have been asserting about the coronavirus. Some seemed genuinely relieved when they were reminded.

“Oh of course! I had completely forgotten about how, like, over a hundred countries decided to give enough of a shit about American domestic politics that they helped create a hoax virus that has killed almost a quarter million Americans,” Jack Jonathan Johnson, 45, of Grand Falls, Ohio told us. “Man, that’s a pretty big relief, knowing we could have a new president and be done with the coronavirus really soon! Thank God for global hoaxes!”

MORE: Trump Kids Ask Daddy If It’s Time to Start Stripping the White House of Silverware and Copper Wiring Yet

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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