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Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Dozens Of Tiny Envelopes Ordered For President Trump’s Fake News Awards

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over six dozen of the world’s tiniest envelopes have been ordered and are on their way in an Amazon truck to the White House, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed this morning from her office. The envelopes will be necessary for the awards ceremony President Donald Trump is hosting later this month.

On January 2nd, the president teased “The Most Dishonest & Corrupt Media Awards of the Year,” saying it was a show he was planning on hosting himself today, at “5:00 o’clock.”

However, last night Trump said the awards show has been pushed back to Wednesday, January 17th. Given Trump’s reputation for threatening lawsuits and never following through, some have been speculating if the awards show will happen if it all. Others are sure it’s a prank, played by the president in an attempt to “troll” the media he has been so hostile and combative with his entire presidency thus far.

“Not only will the awards show be happening, it will bigger than the Golden Globes, and it’ll be the most talked about award show ever,” Trump told reporters this morning from the Oval Office. “I need envelopes that my hands can easily open, is all.”

At the outset of preparations for the awards show, the Trump administration was worried they might not have enough envelopes, regardless of size.

“We’ve been sending so many letters to lawyers these days, we weren’t sure we’d have any envelopes left over for the awards show,” Huckabee told reporters. “But luckily we found this company that specializes in using saplings to make the paper for their tiny little envelopes.”

When a sample envelope from the minuscule paper company arrived, it met President Trump’s exacting standards. Several envelopes were ordered with the presidential seal and “Screw You, Lugenpresse,” stamped on the front. The envelopes should arrive by the middle of this week, in time for the awards show next Wednesday.

“The envelopes felt really bigly in his hands,” Huckabee said, “so the president was quite happy with them.”

While the White House has not issued any lists of nominees, it’s widely assumed that Trump’s favorite targets — CNN and The “Failing” New York Times — will get some mentions.

You can read satire like this every day on The Pastiche Post and Political Garbage Chute.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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