NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Sources close to the situation are reporting that Eric Trump, son of President Donald Trump was just caught trying to cheat off his brother’s coronavirus test, and has been escorted to a different room, where his test will be given instead. Doctors at the lab conducting the test on Eric and Donald Trump Jr. have reportedly told colleagues they were confused an not quite sure how, exactly, Eric got it in his head that he should try to cheat on a test that simply evaluates whether a patient is carrying the COVID-19, or novel coronavirus. However, Eric was caught going into the examination room with notes written on his shoes, and notes on tiny pieces of paper crammed into each pocket.
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“This is…very, very weird, to say the least,” Dr. Reese Rice told reporters in a hastily assembled press conference. “I mean, this isn’t even the kind of test where you write answers down. And none of the answers Eric had written down had anything to do with COVID-19. It looked like, to me, that most of the stuff he wrote down was from The Pokey Little Puppy Little Golden Book.”
A spokesperson for Eric Trump emailed various press outlets after word broke that he’d been separated from Donald Jr and put in a different examination room. Eric’s team says he was “just confused like usual” and “meant no harm whatsoever.” Eric has always had testing anxiety, his PR people told reporters, and so whenever he hears that he has to take a test, he gets nervous and wants to cheat on it in order to pass it.
“Growing up, the president would berate his children if the grades he bought them weren’t sufficient,” Eric’s spokesperson stated in their email. “Because that meant he’d usually have to fix their test scores too, which could get rather expensive. That’s why as a child Eric started just cheating on every test he took, in order to spare himself the wrath of his father. Once it was explained to Eric that he didn’t have to answer any questions, his anxieties started to subside. When it was confirmed he’d get a lollipop and would get to pick a toy out of the toy chest, he was quite good to go.”
Eric and Donald Jr took their coronavirus tests today, just a few days after their father was tested. While the president was confirmed at the time as a negative for the coronavirus, he did test positive for the dumbfuck flu.
“It is our honor and duty to announce that President Donald J. Trump tested negative for a coronavirus infection this weekend,” Dr. Skip Malloy told reporters in the White House briefing room today. “However, it is also our duty to inform you that the rumors are sadly true, he has tested conclusively positive for dumbfuck flu.” (Political Garbage Chute)
Doctors expect that the president’s sons will likely both also test positive for dumbfuck flu. In fact, they think the Trump boys might test positive for a “whole host of infections,” Eric’s people said. Because of that, Eric is asking for privacy at this time.
“They’ve told us that dumbfuck flu is a strong possibility, but so is dumbassitis and they can’t even rule out dipshit fever,” Eric’s press agent divulged. “So at this time, we’d just like to ask that Eric be given the space he need to process whatever the results of these very important tests might be.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.