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Monday, June 5, 2023

Eric Trump: “Daddy Used to Call It ‘D-Day’ When Me and Don Jr Gave Him Our Report Cards!”

WHERE THE NAKED LADIES DANCE, FRANCE — On the 75th anniversary of the allied invasion of France during World War II, a day that marked the beginning of that country’s liberation from Nazi occupation, President Donald Trump participated in a ceremony honoring the brave men who made landfall on the beachhead. But his son Eric also took time today to mark the occasion with a personal anecdote about himself, his brother Donald Jr., and the president.

“My brother and me used to really actually hate D-Day, and not just because we inherited our father’s innate disrespect for people who are braver and more willing to put themselves in harm way than we ever could be,” Eric told reporters outside a cafe in Paris this morning. “Me and Don Jr. hated it because of what Diddums would say to us about it. Dad used to call it ‘D-Day’ when me and Don Jr. gave him our report cards!”

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The president’s second or third smartest son took a bite out of a croissant and drank from a sippy cup full of grape juice.

“Diddums says I can have grown up grape juice on the next trip to France,” Eric explained. “You see, me and Donny Jr don’t have what the doctors call ‘book learning smarts,’ and as such we were always getting low grades in our classes. Diddums always said he could relate to that, but unlike his parents, he didn’t have enough cash on him to buy our grades up to where they should be. He said he’d try just mocking, shaming, and insulting us and see if that brought our grades up. But, it never did, and so at the end of every school year, we’d bring him our report cards and he’d say, ‘Here come my dimbulb sons, I didn’t realize it was D-Day already!'”

No matter what Eric and Donald Jr’s sister’s grades were, however, she did not receive the same treatment from their father.

“No matter how poorly Ivanka did, Diddums would always just pat her on the bottom fifty or a hundred times and say she was the smartest and sexiest daughter he’d ever had,” Eric said. “After Tiffany was born, he would tell her she was definitely and forever the hottest daughter he’d ever have. But me and Don Jr were always called the Dumb Ones or Daddy’s Little Should’ve Been Abortions, whatever that means.”

President Trump would later confirm the details of Eric’s story.

“Oh yeah, those two sons of mine are dumb as shit,” Trump said. “No matter how many times I tried to tell them to be more like me, they always ended up dumb. Sometimes, it was weird because they would do everything exactly as I told them to, and they’d still come out looking dumb. Weird, right? It’s like, I’d tell them what to do, they’d do it, and they were still dumb. That might mean something, but honestly I’m not even sure.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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