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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Eric Trump: “Face Masks Make American Bald Eagles Cry!”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Though America isn’t usually known to be a country full of people easily swayed into politicizing issues that would traditionally not be political, the idea of wearing a face mask in public has, in fact, become a political fight.

Some have wondered if conservative Trump supporters have more strongly rejected face masks because their political leaders — the president and vice president specifically — eschew them. While the administration might insist that CDC guidelines are “only recommendations,” many have come to believe that President Trump and Vice President Pence have been skipping wearing masks in public so as to project the image that the COVID-19 outbreak is so well-contained and controlled by their administration that they don’t feel like masks are necessary. Scientists and medical researchers, however, have stated repeatedly that the more people who adopt a lifestyle that includes wearing a face covering in public, the better humanity can do at suppressing the rate of infection, especially from asymptomatic carriers of the novel coronavirus.

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Now, it appears that the president’s third most intelligent son Eric is ready to make his views on face masks known.

“Tucker, I gotta say, the loony left is trying to control us all once more. Their polite calls for us to wear masks so we don’t spread the Toyota Corollavirus,” Eric told Tucker Carlson last night, “are just straight-up libtarded tyranny! And plus, here’s the thing, I was talking to Daddy’s friend Dr. Dolittle last night, and he told me something about American bald eagles that I think your viewers should know, Tucker.”

Eric began to get emotional. Viewers could hear the emotions welling up inside of him. He fought back the tears as best he could though.

“He told me that wearing face masks is such an insult to freedom and liberty,” Eric explained, “that when an American bald eagle sees someone wearing a mask in my daddy’s own, personal country, it makes them cry! WHY DO THE LIBTARDS WANNA MAKE POOR AMERICAN BALD EAGLES CRY, TUCKER?! It’s so rude! They’re so rude and nasty, those cockwarted fuckface un-American libtard trash! So. Rude.”

While on the show, Carlson asked Eric to give his thoughts on a subject this publication reported on last week. Polling data shows that 4 out of 5 morons agree Eric’s father is a good president.

“What this study shows pretty conclusively isn’t that every Trump supporter is a moron, though we’re conducting that study now and will let everyone know what we find,” Gladfilter said, “but it does show that if you are a moron, you’re pretty likely to support Donald Trump’s presidency.” (PGC)

Eric, however, cast serious doubt on that notion.

“I think that poll is totally fake news, Tucker,” Eric said. “Because all of my friends are morons, and they’re all voting for daddy! In fact, I haven’t come across a single moron, idiot, dumbass, fuckface, racist, or moronic idiotic dumbass fuckface racist who isn’t voting for Diddums!”

The American Veterinary Society does not  currently list face masks as a threat to American bald eagles in any capacity. It’s unclear where Dr. Dolittle got his information from.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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