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Monday, June 5, 2023

Expectant Alabama Mother Will Go Back and Finish Middle School Once Her Kids Are Out of the House

NOVIA NIÑA CREEK, ALABAMA — Life isn’t always easy for Crystal Shanahan these days, but then again she knew that things could get harder before they got easier when she found out shew as going to be a mother for the first time. Crystal says that between managing the prenatal appointments and getting her home ready for the impending arrival of her first child, being pregnant has been the hardest challenge of her life, but she says she’s up to the task, and that she has a “clear vision and goals” for her child, but also for herself, and she won’t be deterred in attaining them.

“I’m going to be a stay at home mom when this baby comes, at first, because it’s so important for the baby,” Crystal told us. “Plus, I can’t get a job right now because no one wants to hire a 13 year old for anything other than a paper route or washing dishes a couple hours a week, and that won’t put my baby through trucking school later in life, will it?”

Crystal says she plans on raising her baby, and any other kids she has with the “love of [her] life,” and then once they’re grown and out of the house, she’ll go back to school and finish what she started.

“I’m very lucky because my baby’s daddy said he’s got a good job already, and so I can stay at home and raise the babies,” Shanahan said, “and I trust him. From the moment we locked eyes at our family reunion last summer, we knew we were head over heels in love with each other. We’re gonna make a real go of it, and he even said he might be able to get his first baby mama to help look after ours, but Cousin Sarah’s always been a little bee-atch to me, so we’ll see about that.”

She says that being pregnant this early might shock some people, but her friends and family are all very supportive.

“I lived 13 good, long years on my own, so I’d be pretty selfish if I didn’t pass on my knowledge to the new generation, which is technically going to be in my generation,” Crystal said. 

Education is extremely important to Crystal, even though she decided to “put a pin” in her own education for now.

“I ain’t gonna be stuck in no dead-end job once I get my kiddies out of the house,” Crystal told us. “I plan on being the highest educated member of my family, and I will not stop until I meet that goal! I don’t care how many times it takes me, I will pass the tenth grade…one day…eventually. First I gotta do the Lord’s work and get those babies raised, though.”

Shanahan sees her state’s harsh new abortion law as a “Godsend.”

“I don’t want my baby growin’ up without friends, and I could use some friends my age who are also moms, because in my new mom support group there all so much older than me,” Crystal explained. “One girl is already wearing makeup, and another even has a couple hours of driver’s ed under her belt already.”

Crystal will give birth sometime early this summer, and she says she is very excited about meeting her son or daughter.

“Scooter and I are waiting to meet the baby to find out its sex and to name it,” Crystal said. “We know we wanna give it a family name, which should be pretty easy because we’ll have the same list of names to choose from. Everything else has honestly been pretty hard for me to handle, so it’ll be nice if at least naming this baby could go smoothly.”

She doesn’t know how many children she wants to have, Crystal said. However, starting motherhood so early in this life affords her a “great opportunity.”

“Maybe I’ll set the world record for most babies! Does that pay good? I have a feeling I’m gonna need a good job eventually, because Scooter ain’t really the reliable cousin, know what I mean,” Crystal asked rhetorically. “He may not be the smartest cousin, either, but he’s got all his tooth and he bathes more than once a month, so I found me the pick-a-the-litter, if you ask me.”

Another Story: Fully Aroused Mike Pence Just Staring At Maps Of Alabama, Georgia, Ohio, And Missouri

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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