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Monday, June 5, 2023

Facebook Hires Sarah Sanders, Sean Spicer, and Joseph Goebbels’ Reanimated Corpse to Vet Political Ads

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Facebook, facing enormous pressure from the public and celebrities like Star Wars actor Mark Hamill and actor/comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, announced today that they are hiring three “key individuals” who will be in charge of vetting political ads on the social media platform. The new team will be responsible, Facebook says, for checking all political ads on their site for truthfulness.

Mark Zuckerberg’s company has come under intense scrutiny for its stated policy on political ads that are run on their platform. The outrage stems from Facebook flatly refusing to pull down any advertisement that features patently and provably false information. While the tech titan has argued their policy protects freedom of speech and expression, critics counter that the policy allows Facebook to be used for voter manipulation and disinformation. In 2016, the Russian plot to interfere in the U.S. election cycle relied heavily on Facebook’s advertising policies to great success.

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“Today, I’m very excited to announce that after careful consideration and feedback from many people, we’ve decided to hire a three-person panel of experts that will determine the truthfulness of all political ads run on our platform,” Facebook’s founder Mark Zuckerberg wrote on his blog, Zuckisms. “We are convinced that these three people are best equipped to judge whether an ad is truthful enough for the Facebook community. We’re confident that they will ensure all political ads that run on our site conform to our regular standards of ethics and truth.”

Facebook has hired two former Trump White House Press Secretaries, and the reanimated corpse of someone who the Trump administration used to model the job description of Press Secretary after, to “work as a dynamic team” and vet political ads on the site. Sean Spicer, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Zombie Joseph Goebbels will begin work at Facebook in February, and their tenure is expected to last throughout the 2020 presidential campaign.

Zuckerberg announced that the trio would be given access to every political ad on his site, and they alone would be given the authority to determine if the ad complies with Facebook policies.

“To be clear, we really don’t have any policies outside of ‘Give us money and you can do whatever you want,'” Zuckerberg admitted, “and we think truth is kind of useless when measured against profit margins. So, we think this is a job all of them will be able to do quite well. In fact, it’s a job so simple, it might be the first time Sean’s actually done well at anything he’s been hired to do. Though just to be sure, we’ve instructed our landscapers to chop down the hedges around our corporate campus, so he can’t hide out in them if he starts to get in trouble for doing a bad job. But to reiterate, since we really don’t have any policies whatsoever, this should be a literal no-brainer for them, which is why we’ve hired a zombie and two brainless nitwits for the job.”

Mr. Spicer issued a statement this morning on his hiring at Facebook.

“Clearly this is the biggest development in the workforce, ever, period,” Spicer wrote. “I am beyond excited to work hand-in-hand with Sarah once more, and to get the chance to work with one of the a true innovator in our field. I am him-hom-hoom-HUMBLED by the opportunity.”

Ms. Huckabee Sanders hasn’t responded to the news yet. However, her handlers say she doesn’t usually issue statements until she’d had time to eat her morning slop at the trough. She’s expected to issue a statement later today.

“The one I’m really stoked on hiring is the reanimated corpse of Joseph Goebbels,” Zuckerberg’s blog states. “Sure, as an American of Jewish descent, it’s um, weird I guess that I’d hire a zombie Nazi. But think of the advancements in medical tech we had to come up with in order to facilitate his hiring! And really, if you think about, we’re just embracing what everyone kind of already assumed about Facebook’s relationship with white nationalists, anyway.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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