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Sunday, February 5, 2023

Fauci Asks Rand Paul When He Self-Certified as a Virologist

WASHINGTON, D.C. — There is no love lost between Dr. Anthony Fauci and Senator “Dr.” Rand Paul (Q-KY), and there is really no denying that fact.

What started as a cold but professional rapport at the outset of the COVID-19 pandemic has become a public, raging inferno that spills over every time Fauci is asked to testify in a Senate hearing held by a committee Sen. Paul belongs to. This morning was no exception. Things got extremely heated quickly, when Paul accused Fauci of lying about whether he approved “gain of function” research in Wuhan, where experts still think the virus originated from, despite not knowing for sure if the virus leaked from a lab, or was introduced by accident into the human bloodstream some other way.

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In his most candid public, under oath remarks to date, Fauci laced into Paul, and told him directly that the Kentucky Republican does not “know what you are talking about.”

Things seemed like they might really boil over a few seconds later. Sen. Paul kept attacking Fauci, demanding to know why he “helped China cover up the Democrat Hoax virus” that he was diagnosed with and spread to his colleagues at the gym, after knowing he had tested positive. Paul then referred to “something I overheard at the malt shop” about COVID-19’s origin, and Fauci sarcastically mocked Paul again.

“I’m sorry, Sen. Paul. Please, refresh my memory. I know you’re a self-certified ophthalmologist,” Fauci began, “so if I’m ever in need of an eye exam and literally every other eye doctor on the planet isn’t free, I’ll give you a buzz. But, you’ll excuse me if I keep listening to actual virologists when it comes to battling viruses.”

Fauci paused, drinking from a glass of water in front of him.

“Then again,” Fauci conceded jokingly, “maybe I’m behind the times. Did you self-certify as a virologist recently? Because if you did, I’m still not going to listen to a goddamn word you say, but I’d just like to know if that’s why you are extra shitdicky today. You’re normally at like a Shitdick Level 10 anyway, but you’re on Shitdick Level 10,000 today for some reason, Randall.”

Sen. Paul sputtered, stammered, made a noise that sounded like a sixty year old car’s engine seizing, and walked out of the hearing room.

BEAUTY OF SEEING THE HUMANS HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT ALL AT ONCE BROUGHT A TEAR TO BRANSON’S EYE

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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