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Monday, June 5, 2023

Trump Has “Fire and Fury” Transcribed Into Pictures So He Can Understand Which Parts To Call Fake News

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite heavy pressure from his bully pulpit, President Donald Trump was unable to successfully halt the publication of Michael Wolff’s explosive new book about his time embedded in the Trump Administration.

“Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House” is a no-holds-barred exposé on the first tumultuous year of the Trump presidency. The year saw multiple staff firings and resignations, criminal indictments of administration and campaign officials, and not a whole lot of victories in terms of the Trump agenda. Trump did get a Supreme Court Justice seated, and he signed into law a massive tax cut that will primarily benefit the wealthy after a few years, however. Wolff was in the White House for much of the year and got an insider’s view of the people surrounding the president.

The book contains an explosive excerpt of Steve Bannon, a former top Trump adviser and campaign official, calling the famous meeting in New York between the president’s son, son-in-law and Russian lawyers “treasonous.” One published excerpt seemed to indicate that Trump is lied to about his powers as president to keep him from making authoritarian moves, and it’s implied through several sources that the president still is not aware of how much Special Counsel Robert Mueller has on him for obstruction of justice.

Sources say Trump is furious and will be refuting specific passages in an attempt to cast doubt on the validity of the books numerous examples of the White House’s ineptitude, corruption, and thirst for power and influence. But first, the president needed the book transcribed into something he could understand better.

“This morning, the president called in the very best transcription and translation experts to take Michael Wolff’s horrible, stupid, totally false, can’t ever be true, holy shit if it’s true we’re all going down like the Titanic, book and turn it into a picture and/or pop-up book,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. “Because even though the book is totally false and not worth any of our time, the president wants to focus all his energies on it, because it hurts his sensitive fee-fees.”

Huckabee was asked if Trump has difficulties reading, since he needs the book translated into pictures.

“No you stupid pieces of libtard shit,” Huckabee said, “and I am being VERY PROFESSIONAL RIGHT NOW SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, the president can read just fine…as long as the words are small and his name is in there about every other word. But obviously he’s gonna call most of it fake news. He just wants to be specific, you dumb assholes!”

You can read satire like this every day on The Pastiche Post and Political Garbage Chute.

More satire:

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Fails New Year’s Resolution To Stop Smoking Crack On First Day Back To Work

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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