Maybe you’ve never heard of me, but I almost became a household name this year. Well, I should say that I almost became a household name in conservative homes, because I’m about to tell you the story of the time I was in consideration to host a new show on Fox News and was rejected because I was, in the words of the HR recruiter who broke the news to me that I would not be hired on, I am “not nearly pervy, smarmy, or handsy enough” and I have a “troublesome dearth of sexual misconduct allegations” against me.
My website and associated social media, Totally Not Biased Except In the Right Ways, has been taking off since its inception, just five years ago. I’m a fairly well-known podcaster in conservative circles, and I’ve been a frequent guest on many shows hosted by either middle-aged, doughy war hawk moralists, or screeching blonde racist magpies. Even with that amount of modest success in conservative media, I had no idea I was being considered for the Major Propaganda Leagues, but there’s no doubt now that I was, because I got a call a few months back just after Bill O’Reilly was fired that nearly changed my life forever.
It was my agent. I should say I’d just secured this agent maybe two or three months prior to getting this call. Like I said, I’m a fairly well known pundit, but by know means am I a household name.
I couldn’t believe the numbers I was hearing. I asked them if they were pulling my leg. $15 million for a newcomer pundit? I’m as in deeply and madly, nearly sexually in love with the free market capitalist economy as any good, clean, ammo hoarding, conservative Christian patriot, but I wasn’t sure I was really worth that much, yet. The HR recruiter smiled and laughed.
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“At that rate,” she told me, “you’d still be costing us less than half a settlement for O’Reilly would. That’s sound business, no matter how you look at it, don’t you think, Joe?” I told her that I was flattered, and she was right, the free market told me I was worth fifteen million smackaroonies, and I was going to take every single one of them. Then she asked me if there was “anything in [my] closet” that I needed to tell her before the next phase of the process. I got the feeling they wanted to know if I had a past they’d have to reckon with at a later date.
I told her that at one time I had made the mistake of being such a strong defender of the Confederate flag that I might have made some slightly racist comments, in hindsight. I may have, accidentally, really, implied that black people are just inherently, by their nature, more violent and criminal. I told her I also may have technically committed vehicular manslaughter, but since the person I ran over was homeless and we’re Republicans, I don’t think that counts as killing a human.
The HR recruiter laughed as hard as I’ve ever heard someone laugh in my life.
“Well, that’s pretty much entry level Republicanism these days,” she told me,” now, how about with the ladies. You got yourself some grabby paws?”
“What,” I asked, confused.
“You know, do you have wandering hands and/or genitals? Do you like the ladies so much you literally can’t keep your hands off them, despite preaching about moral decay?”
“No, I’ve been happily married for 22 years,” I told her, “and I plan to keep it that way.”
“Oh, come one, so you’ve never once been sued for groping? Taken to court for making sexual phone calls late at night? None of that,” she asked incredulously.
“No! No! I’m a good, clean, ammo hoarding patriotic Christian American! I would never do such things,” I told her.
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“Well, that’s just too bad, then isn’t it? I don’t think we’re going to be able to bring you into our family after all,” she told me. I was stunned. But I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“Wait, what? What are you telling me,” I asked her.
The HR recruiter came around the front of her desk and leaned over me. I could see down her shirt, if I looked, but I didn’t. She made a clucking noise and tried to put my hand on her buttocks. I moved it quickly. She again clucked, and then tore up my contract.
“You were in here for the interview for over an hour with me,” the Fox News recruiter told me, “and you never once asked me what I look like naked, or if I’d like to take a mustache ride, realize you don’t have a mustache, and then offer me a dick ride instead. Very concerning given our corporate culture here at Fox News.”
I was so close, and yet so far. Needless to say I have since enrolled in the Roger Ailes School of Heavy Breathing and Broadcasting, and I’m hoping in a few months’ time I will be able to sexually abuse coworkers well enough to get a second chance at Fox News.