NEW YORK, NEW YORK — This morning, Fox News announced that it has hired presidential confidante David Dennison to be their new director of programming at the network. The hiring decision comes after a weekend of blistering, withering criticism from President Trump about Fox’s weekend news and commentary team.
Mr. Trump used Twitter to bash away at Fox News, despite the fact that his base makes up a substantial portion of Fox News viewership. It’s unclear at this time, but perhaps part of Trump’s ire arose from the fact that a barroom chant of “Fuck Trump!” was broadcast from France after the U.S. women’s soccer team won their second World Cup in a row. Trump had been sparring publicly with Megan Rapinoe, the team’s star left-winger, and he is not what many would consider a very popular world leader outside the states.
Watching @FoxNews weekend anchors is worse than watching low ratings Fake News @CNN, or Lyin’ Brian Williams (remember when he totally fabricated a War Story trying to make himself into a hero, & got fired. A very dishonest journalist!) and the crew of degenerate……
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 7, 2019
…a “source” of information (ask the Times what they paid for the Boston Globe, & what they sold it for (lost 1.5 Billion Dollars), or their old headquarters building disaster, or their unfunded liability? @FoxNews is changing fast, but they forgot the people who got them there!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 7, 2019
“Obviously it took us all very much so by surprise when Trump went off on us like he did,” one anonymous Fox News executive told us. “Because Sean had just taken the president out of his mouth not five minutes prior, and he said that Trump didn’t give him any indications of being unhappy. He didn’t complain that Sean was using too much teeth, or not not enough teeth, or even that Sean doesn’t let Donald call him Ivanka anymore. According to Hannity, the president was in fine spirits before he heard that bar room chant.”
Execs knew that they had to do something, our source told us. Fox has an exclusive deal with the White House to be its official state sponsored TV programming. Competition from other conservative news outlets like One America News Network and the Stormfront KKK pamphlets has made Fox News particularly keen on keeping Trump happy. That’s why Hannity is available to Trump whenever his presidential wick needs lighting, and also why they decided to move quickly and install a new programming director.
Initially, Trump himself was at the top of the shortlist of candidates.
“Yeah, we thought about hiring Trump himself because he clearly doesn’t spend all his time doing presidential stuff,” our source admitted, “but we also weren’t sure if that meant we’d have to file for Chapter 11 as soon as we brought him on, or if we’d have to wait for him to drive the network into the ground first.”
So, they set their sights elsewhere.
“We knew we had to hire someone Trump likes. Someone he trusts,” our source said. “Initially, he asked us to hire the President of Puerto Rico, but after looking into it, Puerto Rico’s laws wouldn’t allow it. So he suggested his old friend David Dennison, and after some brief contract negotiations, Mr. Dennison agreed to join the team. It was quite convenient for us that he just happened to be in the Oval Office with the president when we called Trump to discuss new program directors.”
Mr. Dennison’s exact salary is not being divulged, however our source tells us it’s an amount sufficient enough for Dennison to have called it “bigly great.” There will also be certain fringe benefits that Dennison is entitled to, as an employee of Fox News.
“Of course, he’ll be offered the full complement of options in the Ailes Package,” our source divulged. “Or he can go with the O’Reilly Package. Either way, he’s going to get to play a lot of grab ass with frightened interns and shocked career journalists, that’s for sure. The president seemed really jealous of Dennison’s deal, that’s for sure.”
For his part, President Trump believes Dennison is the right man for the job. Trump told reporters as much this afternoon in the Oval Office. His feet up on the Resolute Desk, a Diet Coke in one hand and a large fried chicken leg in the other, Trump mused that Fox News had “gotten the hint” and “kissed the ring.”
“And that ring is on a very normal length ring finger, okay,” Trump demanded of the press pool. “Don’t go reportin’ that my finger’s all small and shit. That’s fake news. Just ask my glove maker, Thumbelina. She says my hands are bigly yooge!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”