WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House medical staff have confirmed at this hour that President Donald Trump is being rushed into emergency colon surgery in an attempt to remove “several loud, large, idiotic cancerous lumps” that are preventing him from doing his job to the best of his abilities.
“This morning, Mr. Trump was rushed to the hospital for a special colorectal surgery aimed at removing Fox News from his asshole,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders barked at reporters. “Doctors and medical staff here at the White House started to grow alarmed when, during a routine prostate cancer screening, they noticed Sean Hannity’s head peaking out from behind the president’s anus.”
Doctors say that the main side effect Mr. Trump felt while Fox News was burrowed inside his rectum was that the hosts and reporters on the alleged news network would be able to smell what Trump had for breakfast, even before he ate it.
“The undeniable medical facts are these: if you go far enough up anyone’s asshole you’re going to get to their nasal passages,” Dr. Herbert Smooley told us. “So probably what happened is that more and more Fox News personalities kept getting crammed up Trump’s butt hole, and eventually they got to his nose, and so they can smell his breakfasts in the morning before he has them.”
Dr. Smooley paused.
“Then again, everyone knows he has deep fried lard biscuits and gravy made from the tears of brown babies he kidnaps,” Smooley said. “So maybe it’s not that big a deal. But for national security reasons, Fox News simply had to be pulled out of Trump’s ass.”
The president’s medical team indicated that he will probably make a full recovery post surgery, but warn some things may be different.
“Maybe he’ll only rage tweet sixty times an hour instead of a hundred,” Smooley said. “Maybe it’ll just take a little longer for their words to come out of his mouth. But one way or the other, we’re gonna get a president who doesn’t have Fox News up his butt. Might be 2020 until that happens. Who knows?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”