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Saturday, January 28, 2023

Fuming Bezos Threatens Hostile Takeover of Offensive Crayons Over Amazon Day Buttplug Protest

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON — Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is reportedly “livid beyond all recognition” and has fired off an ominous email to Offensive Crayons over their protest of Amazon Day.

In January of 2018, Amazon banned Offensive Crayons from its website. The reasoning behind the decision that was given to the company was for “offending children and Caucasians.” Thus far, Offensive Crayons has not been able to appeal the decision and get their products back on Amazon. However, that hasn’t stopped the company from using Amazon Day — a three day period where the online retail monolith offers deep discounts to its “Prime” members — to remind its customers of Amazon’s decision.

In an email blast, Offensive Crayons offered its loyal customers a free buttplug to the first 50 people who make a new order between July 15th and 16th. 

“Since Amazon banned our ‘Offensive Crayons,'” the company told customers, “it’s only best to celebrate Prime Day the only way we know how…by telling Amazon to go fuck themselves.” A screenshot of the email is below. Company officials have confirmed that the offer is 100% legitimate.

Company president and CEO Alice Vaughn, tweeted jokingly that the people who have taken advantage of the offer so far have been Republicans who are looking for an “‘excuse’ to get a butt plug.” Perhaps because he saw the tweet, or perhaps because someone emailed him Offensive Crayon’s offer, Bezos erupted with anger at the crayon company and reportedly sent off an angry letter, threatening to initiate a hostile takeover of Offensive Crayons.

“To whom it may concern,” Bezos’ letter opens, “It has come to my regrettable attention that you are making fun of my beloved Amazon. How dare you? Do you not understand how vital to our country’s economy our salt mine and sweat shop operations are? I am sorry to inform you that if you don’t immediately apologize, tell your customers you want to un-fuck us, and rescind the offer of a free buttplug to the first 50 customers, we will have no other recourse than to pursue a hostile takeover. I want to remind you that when God needs a loan, he comes to me. So, think about how far you want to take this little joke of yours.”

Offensive Crayons thus far has not responded to Bezos’ email, but reportedly company executives are currently tracing their middle fingers onto a buttplug to send to the Amazon CEO personally. 

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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