WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week, President Trump took part in the G-7 summit. The meeting of seven of the most powerful countries in the world used to be known as the G-8 summit, but Russia was kicked out of the group when it illegally annexed Crimea. During the summit, Trump surprised almost no one when he suggested that the G-7 reconsider allowing Russia back in.
“I have to wonder if I’d get picked for employee of the month anymore if I didn’t do little things like this to suck up to Vlad,” Trump was overheard telling a delegation from France this weekend, “and that’s one award I can’t just make up and give myself, so I’d like to keep winning it, if at all possible.”
Upon arriving back home in the United States, Mr. Trump was still lobbying for the Kremlin to be invited back into the G-7. However, Mr. Trump said that he thinks it might time for President Vladimir Putin to “show everyone else the beautiful soul” he’s seen in all his interactions with Putin. So, Trump proposed that Russia host the next G-7, even if they’re not in it.
“How about we just hold in one of their bathhouses? Those bathhouses are very famous throughout the world,” Trump shouted at reporters on the front lawn of the White House while Marine One’s helicopter blades spun in the background. “I bet that Angie Merkel and Manny Macron would love their time in a Russian bathhouse. I know I always did, have, and will.”
Trump said that there are “all kinds of fun services” that bathhouses offer. He believes those services could be the key to getting Putin back in on the rest of the G-7 countries’ good graces.
“And they have these ladies who work there, they’ll do ANYTHING to make you happy,” Trump explained, “and I mean anything. Dress up. Let you call them ‘Ivanka Baby,’ drop trous and piss all over you…you know, anything.”
Mr. Trump also lobbied, during the G-7, for next year’s event to be held at his Doral golf resort. Many have questioned whether the Constitution even allows a president to lobby for and then host such an international summit. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was asked about that subject as she came out of a local 7/11 convenience store.
“Oh, I think it’s definitely a violation of the spirit of the emoluments clause, if not the actual letter and intent of it,” Pelosi said, “and I daresay this is yet another stunning example of how much Republicans are willing to sacrifice their morals and principles, because Obama would already have been drawn and quartered by now. So thank God the American people put the Democrats in charge of the House last year! We will sit idly by and do nothing, but we’ll do it with such furrowed brows and our hands will be wringing so loudly, it’ll almost feel like we’re doing something, literally anything, about it.”
In Moscow, President Putin put a treat in a canister marked, “My Fat Orange Fuckwit,” and put it in a pneumatic tube. The canister was carried all the way to the White House basement, where an aide retrieved it. The canister was brought to President Trump, who opened it to find not only his treat, but a special message from Putin.
“That’s a good boy! That’s a good boy,” the note said, “keep it up, my little agent of kakistocratic chaos! Your master is very proud of you.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”