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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Gazpacho Police Announce Massive Counterfeit Oyster Cracker Bust

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Nancy Pelosi’s personal law enforcement squad, the Gazpacho Police, held a press conference today to announce what their chief called the largest bust of its kind in history.

“It’s my distinct and great honor to announce that the Gazpacho Police Squad, working hand-in-ladle with the Soros Antifa Corps, seized over six trillion dollars in phony oyster crackers during a daring raid, conducted late last night,” GP Chief Thomas Mato told reporters. “During the bust, we also apprehended several key figures in the organized crime ring, and we expect more arrests to follow, as our investigation deepens and widens.”

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The GS has been tracking reports of a counterfeit oyster cracker ring operating out of the nation’s capitol for months, Mato divulged. The alleged perpetrators of the scheme would sell their phony crackers to restaurants at a steeply discounted price from authentic oyster crackers, enticing establishments looking to keep their budgets lean and mean during the pandemic. Mato said the street value of the fake crackers his team confiscated is quite high.

“We’re talking more than a few million clams’ worth, that’s for sure. This agency is dedicated to doing soup-er work every single time, and I’m just so proud of the men and women who brought this phony cracker operation down,” Mato said with a smile from ear to ear.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Commiefornia) issued a press release praising her personal police force for their “diligent and dedicated service to the tomato soup loving community.”

“We simply cannot have rogue operatives living among us, overcharging us for fake oyster crackers. Cold Tomato Soup Americans deserve to have their rights as consumers protected, and there is simply no agency better equipped to do just that,” Pelosi wrote.

Freshman Congresspony Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) has indicated that when former President Don Trump is restored to power, he will disband the Gazpacho Police and instead form a new squad, tasked with using secret space lasers to heat every bowl of gazpacho until it turns into regular tomato soup.

“God specifically intended tomato soup to be hot, not cold,” Greene shouted on the capitol steps to anyone who would pay attention, “and I will not rest until every American is eating hot soup, not cold soup like a commie cuck!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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