The ghost of Franklin D. Roosevelt, former President of the United States held a press conference from The Great Beyond today, during which he acknowledged that he has “some great fears” about the candidacy of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders. While Roosevelt says he is “quite convinced” Sanders could handle the job well enough, he’s worried that Sanders will only be popular enough to win just two terms.
“As everyone knows, I was a socialist. Or at least, that’s the label that was assigned to me in my day,” Roosevelt told reporters, “and if a conservative calls you a socialist, you’re a socialist no matter what. Some consider me the grandfather of modern American-style socialism. I don’t know that I’d agree with that label for myself, but if someone’s going to put that mantle on me, then I have a vested interest in making sure socialism stays as popular as it can be in this country.”
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Roosevelt was indeed labeled a socialist in his time. Many of his policies and programs were attacked in much the same way as the Affordable Care Act, President Barack Obama’s flagship accomplishment, was attacked. For whatever reason, however, being labeled a socialist by his political adversaries didn’t hurt Roosevelt’s electability. He won four terms, though he died shortly after his fourth term began.
“Some folks down on Earth seem to be really worried about whether if someone is called a socialist enough, that it will hurt their chances of winning,” Roosevelt explained. “Now, I never saw that to be the case. They called me a socialist the entire time, and I just kept right on winning elections. I oversaw the destruction of the Axis powers and helped guide the country out of the Great Depression as a socialist. So, I don’t think that being a so-called socialist is a death sentence for an American politician, but that’s not to say Bernie’s campaign doesn’t cause me any worries at all.”
As a ghost, Roosevelt says what has him most concerned is whether Sanders will be or is popular enough to secure himself more than two terms.
“The way I see it, America has had a generation or more living under Reaganomics, which is pretty much the exact opposite of my New Deal economics,” Roosevelt said, “so in my mind that would mean America needs to have at minimum six or so terms of allegedly-socialist executive control to put the country back on that path. Which leads me to worry — is Bernie popular enough to win six terms? He’s old, so maybe he could serve three, and then his VP would run and hopefully win three more. But, is he popular enough to start that kind of political revolution?”
When he had concluded, one the reporters asked FDR if he thought he was “getting ahead of” himself. Sanders would, at most, be eligible for only two terms anyway. This news came as a surprise to FDR, whose fourth election victory was part of the impetus for passing the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution which forbids anyone from holding the office for more than two full terms.
“Wait,” FDR’s ghost asked, “you mean they passed an amendment that limits how many times the American people can even VOTE for someone for president? So much for democracy. I mean, I get it. No one wants an American monarchy, but why can’t someone serve more than twice if they’re good at it, the people want it, and they’re not abusing their power? Seems kind of silly to me to live in a country where you’re forbidden by law from voting someone into office more than twice and be freaking out about someone who wants to ask rich people to pay more money into the system they depend on to keep them rich. But what I do I know? I’m just one of the most popular and effective presidents ever.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.