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Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Giluliani Defends OJ: ‘I’m Not Even Sure Repeatedly Showing Someone the Edge Of Your Knife In Their Throat Is A Crime’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Stating that he “might as well” because he was already defending President Donald Trump on TV, Rudy Giuliani told a CNN anchor today that he didn’t think disgraced former actor and NFL legend OJ Simpson was “guilty of any crimes whatsoever.”

It’s long been considered one of the most famous cases of someone getting away with murder, literally, but according to former New York City Mayor Giuliani, he just does “not see any ‘there’ there.” Mr. Giuliani was hired a few weeks ago by President Trump to represent him in the special counsel investigation into whether the Trump campaign helped collude with Russia to attack the U.S. presidential election in 2016. Mr. Giuliani told CNN and Fox News recently that, after months of flatly denying there was any collusion, that if there had been collusion, it was not a crime.

“Look, everyone wants to jump down OJ’s throat, and cast him as some kind of villain that only got off because of his money and fame,” Mayor Giuliani said. “But maybe he didn’t really commit a crime. After all, I’m not even sure repeatedly showing someone the edge of your knife in their throat is a crime, necessarily.”

Giuliani admitted that while “murder is on the books,” but he says that Simpson is still “very likely not guilty of any crimes at all.” 

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“Sure, murder is on the books, but is incessantly shoving your knife into the throat meat of someone a crime? I don’t see it listed specifically anywhere in any penal code,” Giuliani said. “So, you know, checkmate, guys.”

Mayor Giuliani indicated that he is planning to expand his practice, take on additional partners in his new firm, and grow his client base, representing people whose cases other lawyers might consider unwinnable. 

“I’ve already been in contact with Martin Shrkeli and he’s going to send us a retainer as soon as he gets out of jail,” Giuliani said. “And I have only best lawyers contacting me to get onto my team. You can’t GET an ambulance by the guys that are gonna be on my team. You cannot find a more mewling, subservient, crooked set of cynical douchebags than those that will willingly work with Mayor 9/11!”

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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