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Thursday, September 21, 2023

Republicans Worry Biden’s $1.9T Rescue Plan Will Cut Childhood Poverty Too Much

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Very soon, Americans will start receiving another round of stimulus checks, a monthly child tax credit will go into effect, and many more aspects of the $1.9 trillion dollar rescue package proposed by President Joe Biden — who will sign the proposal into law this Friday — will go into effect. One key component of the rescue plan is an expansion of the child tax credit to $3600 per child, which Democrats want to have issued as monthly checks, and some estimates show this component alone will cut childhood poverty perhaps by as much as 50%.

However, all those things will happen without the support of even a single Republican in the House of Representatives.

MORE: Q-Believers Now Say Trump Will Become the 19th President on March 35th, 2235

One such congressional representative, Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) explained to reporters just moments ago why he and his fellow caucus members declined to support the rescue package.

“Look. Look. Look. Looooook motherfuckerrrrrss,” Gaetz, clearly drunk, told reporters. “I’m all for spending! Spending is great! The las’ four years, Don’n’I spent a lotta money together. Remember that tax cut we jammed through Congress? That wuzzz fuckin’ awesome!”

Gaetz says that the large price tag on the Biden plan isn’t the issue — it’s who the money is being spent on.

“What happens if we run out of people to be poor? Huh? Have any of you Woketopian Libtarded Soyboy Beta Cucks thought about that,” Gaetz demanded. “Some smug sonofabitch told me the other day that Biden’s plan could childhood poverty by as much as half. But who the fuck said we don’t want poor kids?”

Gaetz burped, farted, shat his pants, and vomited simultaneously.

“And I’m sorry, but some of us depend on poor kids as our kink — sorry! Some of us like to adopt, WINK WINK, poor kids,” Gaetz explained, “and some of us like to hire them as cheap labor! Good lord, who are we going to demonize if in a generation there are half as many poor fuckers wondering around?”

The Biden administration believes the next round of stimulus checks will begin to be deposited into taxpayer accounts this month.

Dear President Joe: When Are You Going to Insult My Wife’s Looks, Sir?


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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