AMOR DU COUSIN, SOUTH CAROLINA — Former Congressman Trey Gowdy is no stranger to fights between the Executive and Legislative branches of the U.S. government. While Barack Obama was president, Gowdy spearheaded more than one multimillion dollar investigation into former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and the terror attack on a consular building in Benghazi. Despite his best efforts, however, his Benghazi investigations were ultimately fruitless and Ms. Clinton has never had a single charge against her, in connection to Benghazi or anything else.
It was divulged late last night that Gowdy will be joining another fight between the two coequal branches of the government, however this time he’ll be on the side of the chief executive. Mr. Gowdy has reportedly agreed to join Trump’s outside legal counsel for the impeachment proceedings. Mr. Gowdy was spotted doing what he loves and spent most of his time doing in Congress — fishing — and was asked to comment on this new development.
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“Well, I do wish that we’d gotten to impeach the Previous Black Administration instead,” Gowdy began, “but we can’t change the past, and unfortunately we never had any actual evidence. Just speculation, lies, and rumors, which is, ironically enough, part of our legal defense. Our first move will be to insist that presidents can only be impeached on the basis of rumors, lies, and innuendo broadcast on right-wing media outlets.”
Mr. Gowdy also told reporters about his plan to sue the Constitution for giving “unconstitutional impeachment powers” to Democrats this morning.
“It just seems wrong to me that the Founders wouldn’t specify which party gets to impeach,” Gowdy said. “Because it’s long-established precedent that we get to impeach over Blowjobs and Benghazi, and that Nixon established Republicans don’t really mind a kingly, imperious dictator instead of a president. Our suit will hopefully settle once and for all that Democrats do not get to be coequal to a Republican president.”
Mentioning Benghazi seemed to bring a new thought to Gowdy’s sweaty, glazy, glistening mind.
“You know, that actually brings up a rather salient point I had heretofore not thought of before,” Mr. Gowdy said, mopping a flood of sweat from his brow. “I would like to look Speaker Pelosi right in the eyes and ask her a very simple question. How can you impeach Trump when he wasn’t even involved in Benghazi? I’m no master chess player, but I gotta say I think I just checkmated the living hell out of the Democrats.”
While Gowdy didn’t give away too many of his legal plans for Trump’s fight against impeachment, he made sure to reiterate no less than a dozen times that Trump has no connection to Benghazi.
“Let me make this crystal clear for everyone paying attention right now — Donald Trump had nothing to do with Benghazi,” Gowdy said. “I cannot say that too much. Let me repeat it, again. Donald Trump has nothing to do with Benghazi. Did he openly engage in collusion with China on the White House lawn? Yes. Did he clearly try to collude with Ukraine and then hide it, only to be ratted out by a whistleblower? Hell yes. But, and I cannot help but say this again, Benghazi wasn’t on him. So, you tell me who the American people should be more angry with.”
Gowdy also reminded reporters and the rest of the country that “no matter how corrupt and obviously inept Trump is,” that “Obama was once president” and “Hillary still exists.”
“I ask you this, can we really be talking about holding this guy accountable? It is no matter how corrupt and obviously inept Trump is,” Gowdy shouted. “The simple facts are these — Obama was once president and Hillary still exists. As long as those two facts remain, this country cannot in good conscience expel a truly dangerous person from the most powerful office in the history of our species. I rest my case.”
Gowdy sat down and again threw his line into the water. Reporters asked Gowdy how the fishing went today. Did he catch anything?
“Oh, I never catch anything. I’m the worst fucking fisherman ever that way,” Gowdy answered. “That won’t stop me from spending thousands of dollars every year on fishing trips, though. Someone once told me I should try fishing in lakes and streams instead of cesspools and the toilets at Breitbart’s headquarters in Milo’s basement. I don’t know what he meant by that, so I just keep spending money on fishing trips, hoping the next line I cast out into the parking lot of Hardee’s catches me a big ol’ fishy fish!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.